One True Self

Remembering an Angel

2011-03-25T20:12:00.000-04:00

You, an angel
Sitting inside
A chair with wheels

You, an angel
Your voice soft
Your eyes deep

My heart aches
Your presence
Still with me

My heart aches
I wonder where
You might be now.

Water Wisdom for a Hard Heart

2011-03-23T14:09:00.006-04:00

I am participating in an online retreat through Abbey of the Arts in observation of Lent. Today, Christine Valters Paintner shared a metaphor comparing our hearts to that of a stone. Although the stone is hard, if water continuously drips upon it that drip will eventually wear down the stone. Therefore, subjecting myself to the continual wisdom from above wears away at the hardness of my heart and creates a soft place inside of my soul.

Over the course of my time in recovery as an ACOA, I have found that I can easily succumb to reckless thoughts and behavior when triggered by familiar events of the past. Changing my course of action to triggers is without doubt my most difficult mountain to climb.

I recently wrestled with triggers that lead me into the temptation to respond with old methods of coping. I made a different choice. I remembered to keep it simple. I remembered that time moves quickly and that old methods that cause harm only perpetuate sadness. I remembered that perpetuating sadness is not how I want to exist on earth given the short time I will occupy this space. I remembered to ask myself how important this or that is within the scope of eternal value, and I remembered to live and let live.

It has taken me many years of consistently placing my heart under the fountain of wisdom that God offers to me each day to really understand how to use that wisdom and to surrender to its relief. I know that there will be many more opportunities to listen and respond. I find that I respond more quickly now and I experience the joy of living within that wisdom more rapidly than before. For this I am grateful!

Sometimes we just need to see each other as people and wanting nothing more.

(words in italics are direct slogans or references to slogans used by Al Anon 12 Step Group)

I Admitted I Was Powerless

2011-01-26T09:34:00.003-05:00

I have a lot of old, ugly, painful memories popping into my psyche these days. It feels like a jiffy popcorn pan hot on the griddle in my head. For some reason there has come another time to deal with things. Of course I thought I had dealt with all of this stuff, but as it turns out there is more to work through.

That's okay.

Last night in the Al Anon meeting I've been attending since last fall we talked about step one. For those of you who are unfamiliar with 12 Step programs that step is: We admitted we are powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.

The discussion prompted me to reflect on my first introduction to step one almost five years ago and the relief I felt that I no longer had to seem powerful outside of myself because inside myself I had always felt fragile and broken. This step gave me permission to be truthful about what I was feeling - powerlessness. I developed a highly qualified set of behaviors to appear powerful and to maintain control of my life. Unfortunately those chaotic skills served me well in business, (which indicates to me the sadness of insanity our society is living in) but did not serve me well in the whole of life. It's these behaviors I still struggle with, and today, this one singular day I'm surrendering to the fact that I just cannot manage my life under these behaviors and the circumstances that arise from my divulging into their insane course of unreasonable actions and expectations.

Back to the memories. It is really about realizing I'm no longer in those circumstances, then forgiving myself and others for the roles we played while living those moments out. It all bounces back to the fact that I grew up within a framework of insanity and that I was set loose upon life with what one friend in the meeting last night called "crappy skills" to try and make it in this world.

I had a conversation recently about parenting and the difficulty of knowing what to do and when to do it when dealing with discipline and child rearing. Within that conversation a comment was made about how I behaved as a child. That comment says a lot about the environment I was living in, "You were too scared to ever do anything wrong." I'd like to add to that comment that I also didn't know what was wrong or not wrong; I was just too damn scared to live my life at all so I crammed all of life down into my heart and soul, and it drove me crazy.

Although some things are on the surface for me to deal with right now and I've got some resentment to unload I don't have a doomed filled heart. That is one amazing thing that recovery has done for me. I actually believe it is all worth it - living this life and I am so glad to have the opportunity to live it in a healthy, stable way.

And it was time for reality

2011-01-11T17:00:00.000-05:00

No matter how far we have come there is always work that can be done and if we are open to it - will be done. I've read that when you are ready to accept reality, you will stop living in denial. I knew something was coming to the surface. I could sense it and I'm glad that I was prepared intuitively that something was about to show itself, but the truth still hurts and when coming out of darkness and into light it is never easy to see the light. My head hurts from so much reality - but I'd rather know the truth than to be living under the veil of denial.

I know it has been a very long time since I've posted. I could write about that as part of the experience I am having in my life but frankly I just need to get down to business right now.

I am releasing a behavior - not a new behavior but an old, codependent behavior. I am shocked at my participation in this but not overwhelmed by it because I'm human and human beings aren't perfect. Thank God I've done the work I needed to do to realize that fact! The biggest thing in all of this is that I'm sad for myself. I'm sad that in a particular area of my life I still have low self worth. I'm working on that area and it is painful.

The beauty of recognizing it is that I can work on it now. I am fully aware of reality. That hurts. Coming to terms with reality and seeing it and feeling it - that is the worst part for me. Denial is no longer the option. Now I am teetering somewhere between hurt/bargaining and full blown fury/anger. I will accept it eventually and let it go but I'm allowing myself to work through the process. I still have things I need to say first, I still have questions I need to ask. Questions of myself first and foremost and a few questions for others too.

Fortunately I'm not losing life moments because of it. I've slightly checked out with the family because I need to. But I know and decided to do it. I didn't get in the bed and sleep for days because I'm depressed and not feeling my feelings. I'm not yelling and screaming at anyone because I can't deal with myself emotionally. I'm not placing the blame on anything other than knowing that I've faced a truth and now the setting free will begin. I've made the choice to deal, and dealing means feeling. I do not like these feelings. I would much rather feel something good, happy and pleasurable - but I'm not going to create a facade to mask this reality. It is what it is.

Most of all I'm simply glad to have tools in place to face this life lesson and not hide it, hide from it or bleed it out to the world. I know better. I'm being gentle and reasonable and most of all I'm not lying to myself or anyone else involved. It is what it is. And "is" will be okay.

JM was here!

2010-09-30T14:54:00.000-04:00

I came here today. I allowed myself a moment to read your writing. I enjoyed reading about recipes, being overwhelmed, 12 step work, poetry and listening to youtube shared songs. The big part of this is that I allowed myself to come here. To be filled in a way that inspires me, a way that makes my heart feel a warmth and connection to others of similar journeys.

JM was here 9.30.10

Say Something

2010-09-29T10:04:00.000-04:00

A Work in Progress

Wow...how long has it been since I've posted? I even missed my anniversary date on blogger. There was no post to celebrate 1 Year of One True Self. That's okay, I can celebrate that today.

Happy 1st Anniversary to One True Self!

My life has taken on such a different spin, somehow I realize I need to work out a way to communicate this spin and how it is effecting me internally.

The summer brought many bumps and bruises; as well as radical changes in our home life. This carried me into a dormant state internally. Now, I sense myself rising out of that dormant state.

I miss blogging. I miss reading your blogs and posting on my own blog. My prayer is that this post is the beginning of some consistency with blogging once again.

At the moment my fingers are so happy to click away and to say something out loud to all of you.

For Now

2010-07-16T19:26:00.002-04:00

For Now

There are a great many things I am choosing to hold inside of me for now. For now I won't hammer it out on this keyboard. For now I am making the conscious choice to be quiet. For now the time I spend lost in color and form, with paint and brush and canvas feels right.

It feels like the right thing to do for now.

This is all I can do for now.

This is all there is of me for now.

Soul Searching II

2010-07-08T19:43:00.000-04:00

Soul Searching II

Still feeling quiet.

Soul Searching

2010-07-01T14:05:00.000-04:00

Soul Searching; June 27, 2010

I had a big long post all put together to send out to you, then yesterday my soul heard this word:

QUIET.

I've been talking a lot lately. If I'm not talking to someone, my mind is talking, talking, talking. I have grown weary of hearing myself in all of this communication.

QUIET.

On my journal prayer card I wrote - Quiet yourself for the sake of this...let quiet enter you and permeate the space around you.

Today, I will trust God's will is happening as it needs to in my life. I will not make myself anxious and upset by searching vigorously for God's will, taking unnecessary actions to control the course of my destiny or wondering if God's will has passed me by and I have missed it. (emphasis added)

The Launguage of Letting Go Journal By: Meloday Beattie

I have a strange feeling my words will be few for a while. My mind needs to take its place as a tool rather than a boss. I want to hear my heart. My heart requires quiet so that it can speak its soft, gentle murmurings.

I'd like to thank Jenny Stevning for her influence and inspiration for the painting I am sharing with you called: Soul Searching.

Torn

2010-06-25T11:26:00.002-04:00

Torn

A feeling of tearing between many things, and if there is time enough of which there never is, then I will spend time writing and creating at my leisure. No, No, No, NO, NOOOOO! Time in the day cannot be lost and left to everything else...then I feel as though I cannot breathe. I must breathe. I have to stop and take this breath, or I simply feel as though I am not in communion.

Last night as I lay down to sleep, words began to pop, pop, pop in my skull. I remembered a reference to Annie Dillard that Susan made a long time ago in a post last year that ensues the time to write is now, when the words are there and welling up inside of you. So, I got up. I wrote my words down. It felt so good. The words are a part of a story I am creating and once I was in a moment that I was no longer feeling torn that story said, "I am alive in you, I want to be told." The story kept crawling around inside of me, more like running and jumping. Words kept linking themselves together until they were so tantalizing that I just had to put it down on the page. Words like: crinkling, popped, cracked, plump, whipping, unpacking, reunion, wave, oyster shells and ocean.

So, sleep came later than normal and I went into the spell of creativity. I felt giddy with myself afterwards. The beauty of this creative life is that I enjoy it so much I could care less if I am the only one who ever reads what I write. I am so entranced and in the spell of it that I feel I'm lifting off into a galaxy all my own.

I love it so much. I love to put words on a page and make it sing something.

As I prayed this morning the word torn came up many times. I am torn to give attention to so many areas of life. Most of this involves relationships. Something stood up inside of me and said, "You must give yourself the time and attention you need...FIRST."

This means not allowing my child's disappointment that it is time to leave the pool get to me, or the 5 messages on the answering service to be left yet another day unreturned, or I might stay home instead of attending another gathering. I have committed only a tiny fraction of the day to myself when my family is awake...I will no longer allow that to be absorbed into other things. I simply cannot allow it to be swallowed into a pit and then personally go lacking for it.

Anne Morrow Lindbergh came to mind when I considered my torn state. I love her book A Gift from the Sea. I read it while on vacation with my husband...the few days we sat under umbrellas and did absolutely nothing. Here's a snippet from the book that I wrote down on May 13th; "Even purposeful giving must be replenished. The milk in the breast must be replenished by food taken into the body. If it is woman's function to give, she must be replenished too. But how?" I thought about how I recognize my needs as a woman to come away from everyone and everything so that I know myself and musings in a days time. Annie knew this too. She mentioned how fragmented relationships are because we are fragments unto ourselves. I could see myself spiraling into a pit of fragments because I had no time to decompress and listen to what God is saying inside my heart. As I break into tiny fragments I observe others disassembling as well. It speaks to me of the nature of the family. If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. The catch is...Momma must recognize her own needs just as she's recognizing the needs of others, she has to be the one to say, now it is time for me.

It comes down to choices and an emphatic discipline to say - I need this time for me.

Rapping Around

2010-06-23T10:07:00.002-04:00

Everything is clawing for my attention. It is an ever present struggle to remain in compassion when darkness is spewing from all corners of my world. This is challenging.

Go back to the basics. For me that consists of refreshing myself in the "how to's" of recovering from behaviors that are no longer helpful to me. Adult child work is never ending...I must go back to the river of resource and dip my cup down to pull it into myself and have a drink.

Basics - prayer is always included in this necessity of standing tall when all the world seems to be trying to break you at your ankles and knees. Prayer is the one benefit that I feel most distracted from and yet that indicates to me, it is the ONE thing I need to do more than any other.

There is an unsettled feeling inside of me. The oil spill is heavily weighing on my mind and heart. There are many tasks and challenges to accomplish in daily life. Wrapping up and wrapping around the new and old of things to set a plan for the upcoming education year for my child takes a great deal of effort, thought and contemplation.

Yesterday, in tears I said to my dear friend Susan, "I just want to write.", you creative friends know how this feels...sometimes we need to lock ourselves away, take up the pen, the paper, the canvas, the paint brush, the camera, the ukulele, the score, the screen play, the colored pencils, the crayons, the glue, the pictures...and just...release. I need to do this...I will do this!

One thing I have learned about resting in my established center is that it is a return, sometimes daily, sometimes hourly, sometimes minute by minute to a basic awareness of the wisdom supplanted within myself. Lately, that needs to happen more like every single second of the day.

Today, this post is just to write to you, to tell you my jumbled up thoughts in a conglomeration of sorts...and that I've missed you all and look forward to catching up on all you've shared recently. Happy Posting - yes, I am!

Time in Day

2010-06-23T09:49:00.000-04:00

Days go by
There is time

Days go by
There is no time

Time travels on
Days are never long

Time travels on
Days are long

Days of time
Time in days

An Established Center

2010-06-09T08:30:00.002-04:00

Things have been pleasant for our family in recent days. The summer brings to us an opportunity for travel and beach excursions galore. I'm not living in a fog, I know we are blessed and fortunate. I don't take any of these opportunities for granted, and I am always grateful.

Nevertheless the packing, unpacking, repacking creates for me a sense of unsettled life. By the time mid-July roles around I'm typically tired of the business of packing, unpacking and repacking. Part of the unsettling of it all is establishing a routine for me outside of my home that renders to my cravings of personal time for reflection, contemplation, writing, drawing...general all around "I need to be alone" type things. The places we are in during the summer are close quarters and usually filled to the brim with people! I love all of the interaction and fun. The opportunities for seeing people for long extended periods of time that generally don't happen during other seasons of the year. It is enjoyable.

The quandary for me is how to manage my personal desires and I'll give it even this word; NEEDS with all of the quality time and close quarters with others.

Most of our time is spent outdoors. I can always take a walk alone, but there are distractions. Finding my center in the midst of all of these places is something I hope to find this year.

Last year it got me way off course. It took a lot of time for me to regain a central point within myself - I'm determined to capture for myself a good fit and a flow of ease to remain in the established center I've come to know.

I decided to title this post - An Established Center. When writing the title it came to me - it isn't the place, or even the ideal circumstances this established center derives from. The established center is taken with me wherever I might be or wherever I might go.

Determining this I realize, the challenge is tapping into this with distractions - learning how to do this and remaining in peace and tranquility.

Still, it is challenging.

am I just out of reach?

2010-06-08T09:36:00.004-04:00

"you're always bound to fall"

The space around me feels heavy. There are things that weigh me down. Usually overcoming them quickly and without sinking below the surface. I feel I am on my way back down to the depth of the sea of my life. The choice to go is not my own, it feels a force is pulling me down. Feet first. It feels like a vacuum. The force of the pull makes me feel as though I am suffocating, as though I cannot breathe. I can feel the impact before landing. The crash to the bottom is coming hard and fast - it is as if I have already landed there with the weight and break inside of my heart, and yet I know I have not landed. Am I even going to land there?

"there's nothin' you can do"

Why?

"the weight of gravity begins

When will I ever be able to do life without this crash and burn? Can I ever overcome my self and feelings to the point that when I feel hurt to this degree I do not sink so far down into it that I lose a part of myself for a time? I don't know. The worse part is how I behave. I loathe my behavior when based on these feelings.

to pull you down again"

The questions come. Where did I go wrong? Where was my intuition? Why did I not stop this before it went to far? Why have I allowed myself to be in this place again? Why haven't I done what is best for me regardless of the fall out?

"so what are you to do now?"

And so...it must be dealt with. It cannot be ignored. Or, can it? Oh, God my heart is broken.

"stuck between the hope and doubt"

There is no right or wrong answers. The line in the sand seems to be cutting deeper and so that is the way we go. I wish it were not so, it simply is and I must accept it.

"you get so close to clarity"

Inevitably I will withdraw - I hate that mechanism I float to, but I need the solace of myself to recoup and regain my footing and strength. I know you are there. I am not alone...am I?

"makes you question everything"

"you're so far away

so far away from me"

"is it starting to break

underneath my feet"

"you're so far away"

"am I just out of reach?"

Lyrics/Prompts by: Matthew Perryman Jones - Far Away From Me

Book Review - What Difference Do it Make? by:Ron Hall, Denver Moore, and Lynn Vincent

2010-05-28T09:24:00.003-04:00

Posting this book review I was going to follow the definitive format for "book reviews". This time I am not. The book What difference do it make? simply had much to profound effect on me to take a formal approach to sharing its content with you.

The book is about loss and love, hurt and hope. It is about all of these things, but more than this; it is about the power of redemption within the context of our human experience.

Ron Hall and his wife Deborah befriended Denver Moore after beginning to volunteer at the Union Gospel Mission in Ft.Worth, Texas. As God would have it, the relationship grew to be bountiful and rich, beyond what money can buy. The relationship became a work of the soul for everyone involved.

Ron accounts for his experience with Denver, his own family and losing Deborah to cancer. Denver gives us a story of his own. From prison and homelessnes to dining with a U.S. President. Between the lines they also tell us the story of others who have come to know the power of breaking through the barriers of social class and race. These stories are about giving beyond reason and judgement. The book is about learning to trust that God's path is THE path and we need only to rest in his direction for us.

Denver made the most profound effect on me personally. His simple instructions and thought helped me to realize that I don't need to just read about Jesus, or even know Jesus just for myself. What God wants me and all of us to do is BE JESUS, DO JESUS! Thanks to Denver, I get that...I get that beyond a superficial idea of what service or outreach means in contemporary Christendom.

My heartfelt thank you to Denver, Ron, and Deborah. This book, yep, it changed my life!

***I received this book from the publisher for free in exchange for blogging a book review***

Reach Deep

2010-05-24T08:42:00.000-04:00

Something called to me. A power greater than the contriving of my own will. A sound so subtle that a minor...slip, of resistance would drown the voice.

"Reach Deep"

The journey to the bottom of the sea of my life was filled with examination. Once to the bottom, once all of the examining had been done, all that was left was darkness. I screamed out, "Why have you abandoned me God? Are you even real? Do you exist?" Within that darkness there was a struggle to see. A realization occurred to me, I was blind. I needed to be healed. "If you are real God, make yourself known to me. I want to see you. I want to truly, whole heartedly see you. I want to see you apart from man made ideas and concepts. I want to see you through the eyes of my soul"

Sitting and remaining with the darkness, I waited. I stopped reading, I stopped speaking, I stopped contorting my thoughts to work it out. I waited. I waited with quiet presence, listening. Determined not to leave until the blindness had gone; with fear and doubt, I waited. I waited within the darkness. I waited. And then...the blindness slowly turning, to sight. Because of its struggle, sight penetrated the dark and to see for once; true light.

Why did I wait? Why did I sit with all of the doubt and unbelief? Because, I knew that the voice that called to me to reach deeply came from the One that would touch my blinded self and make me whole - whole beyond the work of changing old habits and bad behavior. Taking me beyond just living with good judgement. The kind of wholeness beyond good intension and conscious living. The kind of wholeness that can only be found within being still and knowing...there is God.

The darkness was frightening until the light became visible; the light that had always been, always is, always will be. As the darkness was penetrated by the healing source of the light, as I came to know God, truly know God - the light burst through the darkness and the blind began to see.

I thanked the darkness as the light shaved its way through my heart. Without the darkness I would not know. Without the darkness I would not know what it truly means to see. Without the darkness I would not know what it truly means to see, and to be out of the darkness and into the marvelous light.

I planted my feet on the bottom of the dark bed of the sea of my life. I pushed off that dark, hell bent way of striving and forcing and...with clear vision of the path laid before me by the One who knows me best...

Swim... I swim my way.

Mark 5:30 - 34 (The Message; emphasis added)
At the same moment, Jesus felt energy discharging from him, He turned around to the crowd and asked, "Who touched my robe?" His disciples said, "What are you talking about? With this crowd pushing and jostling you, you're asking, "Who touched me?" Dozens have touched you!" But he went on asking, looking around to see who had done it. The woman, knowing what had happened, knowing she was the one, stepped up in fear and trembling, knelt before him, and gave him the whole story. Jesus said to her, "Daughter, you took a risk of faith, and now you're healed and whole. Live well, live blessed! Be healed of your plague."

In Honor of Tosha

2010-05-19T11:23:00.003-04:00

Today there will be a break from Excavation Exploration to pause in a moment of grief and memoriam. I have learned just yesterday of a tragic death. A woman my same age of whom I once walked the halls of the same schools died in March. The circumstances as I understand them are extremely tragic. She had two children. To say that we are praying for these children is an understatement - we are groaning with utterances that cannot be understood on behalf of those dear souls. My soul groans in pain, in a pain I cannot explain at this tragedy.

When I was acquainted with Tosha I remember her as a beautiful young girl with a gorgeous smile. I also remember Tosha was talented. She was a singer and she sang a song written by Twila Paris during an event in my senior year of high school, I do not recall the specific event, but what I do recall is the sound, the pure beauty in the sound that came from the soul of this talented, beautiful girl. The sound I heard that day touched me. The message she sang about also touched me. In memory of her I am posting the lyrics of this song - I honor this person in remembering a moment she lived so beautifully. The moment she sang; The Warrior is a Child.

The Warrior is a Child by: Twila Paris

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because His armor is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
the warrior is a child

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and look up for a smile
'Cause deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
The Warrior is a Child

Excavation Exploration - One Step Closer - U2

2010-05-18T18:38:00.003-04:00

Join me in listening to these words. I close my eyes to listen. Will you listen too?

and...there is God.

Excavation Exploration: On Vacation!

2010-05-17T20:30:00.003-04:00

I love that vacating shows up at the exact moment it is needed. The Excavation Exploration swirled in with a busy family life has made for a much needed break. We just returned a few days ago from a vacation. Just myself and my husband attended! We took this trip in honor of our marriage, an anniversary trip. It was glorious. It was an escape with a capital E. In times like that I don't miss anything about my regular life. I was exceedingly grateful and happy to sit under the beach umbrella for 2 days with no whims of doing anything else, literally did not do anything else.

There were a few times I felt compelled to write. I decided to let the words float in and out of my psyche. The words were quite beautiful. I kept them all for myself. It was like dining on an exquisite meal without having to share one bite. I like sharing, but every now and then I like eating the whole plate by myself. I did that with those gorgeous words and they quenched a thirst I had inside. They filled me to overflowing.

I didn't use my camera much either. I drank it in - the moment, I just decided to be in the moment without trying to capture anything of it to share with anyone else. There is something delightful about this type of intimacy, the type of intimate, simple moments that create a fulfillment that feels indescribable. I feel fortunate to have these sacred moments within sacred spaces on this planet. The ocean was majestic. We saw a school of dolphins swim by. It appeared that none of our neighbors on the beach noticed them. They were busy, chatting, and running, walking, talking, building sand creations, general all around beach habits. We on the other hand, being in the just be mode of sitting and doing nothing, noticed a great deal during those 2 days. It was like meditation with contemplation with your eyes wide open. Mesmerizing really. We watched the dolphins for a long time, their movement; up and down, swimming their beautiful stride. We watched them go out to sea until we could no longer see a dorsal fin floating up and down.

I shared this with myself, with my husband, the dolphins, the seagulls, the shells, the sand, the waves, the wind.

and of course...there was GOD.

there was God...

Excavation Exploration: Accept - Some Dialogue

2010-05-05T10:31:00.010-04:00

Let me share a bit of thought around the poem I posted last week. I have been in a very busy season for my daughter. It is the end of the year for all of her extra curricular activities. We began in mid April with a reception for her art class at our local library. Next, she had her piano recital, and this past weekend my 8 year old performed 5 dance numbers for her end of the year dance recital. We had to drive 40 minutes both ways for rehearsals 3 times this past week. We had to drive that same route Saturday and Sunday as well. I worked backstage on Saturday, surrounded by nervous, excited little girls. There was glitter, make up, hairspray, costumes, bobby pins, safety pins, and at some point, someone in the mix lost an important item. It was challenging and exciting too. Then, I watched the performance on Sunday. Running back and forth from the audience seating to the backstage area because my daughter needed some assistance with costume changes. Why am I sharing these details with you?

This is the content of my life these days. A content of life I had no, absolutely no training for. I did not share in these life experiences with parental support, consistently. Sure there were times of support, but it was inconsistent and by the time I was a middle schooler I rarely saw a parent in the audience. I still tried, but by high school I practically gave up trying. Support is important, and the supporter and supported have an element of acceptance within the context of their lives. I did not know how to do this because I was not taught how to do it. Now, I've learned!

In the meantime I am in the process of excavating several journals to examine the process of my healing and recovery over the last 5 years. I have submitted myself to this process to discover the direction for my voice. I am working with my art piece as I go through this process that requires internal and external examination. Not to my surprise I also sensed it was time to carry the women involved with The Katherine Project into a better understanding of my personal journey so far. I recently shared with the group; How I Discovered My Essence. We are working with the topic of essence right now, and it is a beautiful process to open ourselves to a deeply personal examination of our essence as women.

My friend Christy shared the book from which the poem: ACCEPT ME came from. The book; Listening to the Littlest by: Ruth Reardon is geared to parents and what children might be saying to them at a vulnerable age in a child's life. The work with The Katherine Project and Excavation Exploration are parallel, because there is a great deal of emphasis on seeing ourselves as little girls, and I am re-examining the work I did concerning my childhood.

The overall context of my healing and recovery sits upon the rock of total acceptance. To do so I searched deeply into my childhood, I see how deep I went into this process through the writing, drawing, and work I did to truly feel and accept those moments. As I did this, I searched deeply into my every day life as well. I had two separate places I would write. One was solely dedicated to processing my childhood. The second, solely dedicated to working out my mental state on paper with the daily processes I was confronted with. And what these two things gave to me, the rock, the foundation of total acceptance; was a path for forgiveness.

The first journal - my childhood journal is filled with adoration. I have pictures pasted on the pages, along with my feelings of the child in those pictures (the child of course being ME) and the days they represent. The picture on the post today is from that journal. My 4th birthday! I also discuss the feelings that are conjured up inside of me as I consider the familial relationships those pictures also represent. There are many hurt, deeply hurt feelings on those pages. The child in those pages had fundamental needs that were neglected. I recognized it was time to give her nurture - and so I did, and still continue do so. I love that child, I love myself.

The second journal, and what would come to be the ongoing process of my life in many, many subsequent journals and notebooks, expanded into 12 Step work, prayers to God, ramblings about dealing with a toddler, life with my husband ( who at the time I was not married to), the inner workings of my life in real estate, relationships with friends, relationships with my husbands family members, relationships with my own family members, Al Anon meetings, my one and only sponsor, my therapist, my safe people. It is all there. I write now every day at least once a day...but then I would write, many, many times in a day, to process my emotions. To figure out the "How To" about life. There is no question how writing has evolved to be my steady, faithful companion. My salvation!

Within the process of this, that took me approximately 2 years, I discovered behaviors that were not healthy, I began to parent myself, to recreate inside my heart and my head a new way of living. Thus, I gained behavior patterns that have turned out to be right, normal, and rewarding for me. To do all of this I had to accept myself just as I was at that point. I had to accept that I did what I knew to do at the time. Now (meaning then) I could start moving down a path to healthy living. Yes, One Day at a Time!

I accepted all of it, coming to embrace, and then to be grateful for ALL of my life - the hard, the easy, the difficult times, the sweet moments, the abuse, the love, the smells, the sounds, the touch, the warmth, the cold, the harsh, the soft. All of these things from others, all of these things toward myself, all of these things toward others, all of these things a part of the whole, the whole inside and outside of me. And then there was...God.

...there was God.

Excavation Exploration: Accept

2010-04-28T10:55:00.002-04:00

Listening to the Littlest by: Ruth Reardon

ACCEPT ME -

for what I am

Not what I could have been

or even will be.

Accept me.

Acceptance must be present tense,

with no conditions,

and based upon reality.

If windows of your heart

must rosy-tinted be

you have not accepted me.

See me as I am without distortion

of your dreams...

A human being, beautiful, unique.

Free to grow according to the seed

within myself.

Accept me -

so I need not twist myself

to fit your pattern...

But resting in acceptance,

can grow.

Excavation Exploration - You are not a disposable commodity.

2010-04-20T20:16:00.004-04:00

So, I am in the process of excavating for the sake of finding the direction of my voice and this same thing keeps coming up in my thoughts..."we are not disposable commodities". We are uniquely necessary in our space and time to do whatever work is set before us. I wonder about why this thought continues to rise up for me. It swells within me in the music I am listening to, the conversations I am having, the books I am reading,...it is everywhere!

I said it at The Katherine Project retreat, "You are NOT replaceable."

I have thought about "we are not disposable commodities" in various different interactions with friends and acquaintances lately. Each person in their own personal place of self discovery or movement, and I think - "how absolutely necessary is this person to the world and God."

I know the thought is personal, but I feel it goes beyond something I need to hear just for me. I think it is something many people might need to hear.

In my previous life - as I refer to my insane world of chasing down the illusive ideals of modern day society; I worked in banking, finance, and the wonderful world of real estate. Talk about an unmatched soul.

Here is a picture of me and my sweet girl when I was still in black mess. My unmatched soul self. I did the best I could.

I was under the pressure of corporate business that taught me I could be and would be replaced if I didn't measure up to the status quo. And honestly, if I really wanted to hang around I needed to exceed the status quo. It was bitter with no piece of sweet.

The more I regained myself in the process of therapy and recovery the more I was unable to play the subtle games of corporate life. It scratched at my core. It was abrasive, mis-leading, devious, hard, difficult, and very unladylike. The more I grew into my female essence, the less I was able to operate in the world like a man. I was growing up and into myself, finally living in the freedom to be the soft, tender person I was created to be on earth.

Through my process a great reality blanketed my heart - money, with all its benefit does not make me who I am. It did not give me a life of wholeness. It disguised me - it created an illusion of having it altogether, by appearing to having it all. The truth of my internal condition is that there was a hole in the pit of my core. It is hard for me to perceive sometimes how unaware I was. I had no idea of who I was truly meant to be.

"Money is irrelevant to your capacity to interact with the world around you through values that are empowering and aligned with truth." Defy Gravity by: Caroline Myss

Here I am post ME discovery! Notice I have my own Disney character autograph book! That's my sweet girl in the picture with me, love that baby! Just look at us - so happy!

In reviewing the art work on the wall - I look at black mess. I remember living the anxious corporate life of insane, "you can be replaced in an instant." I see all the components there for my existence, messy, tangled, and unable to form into their positions within how I am to function in the world. I certainly was not functioning in my truth as I participated on the corporate ladder. I took on the people pleasing, needing acceptance, codependent role. The chameleon - changing, depending on the environment and the people I was around. I remember when I realized I might not even know what kind of food I truly liked because I might always be choosing food based on what someone else would choose. Yes, for many people this is actually a fact. They do not know the basic, simple facts of who they are, and what they like.

When excavating black mess for the intension of the direction of my voice I cannot do so without looking at white spirals in conjunction with it. That might be why they were created simultaneously.

It was during white spirals that my awareness of the insanity of black mess became apparent. I finally began to accept and stop denying black mess and all of the facts that are tied to it. I started dealing with the past.

The prayer of my life sounded a lot like this, "Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Psalm 51:10 NIV

These two fundamental statements helped me to do that:
Twelve Steps 1 & 2
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. (emphasis added)

As a woman who came to see these first two steps at the age of 33, I had lived a lot of insanity. I felt powerless for much of my life. Sadly, even a bible verse like Psalm 51:10 would have been taken in such an unhealthy context I would have had a warped view of a clean, pure heart, and what that would really look like; for me and in me.

I can remember asking God, "Why was I born?". I remember feeling like it was insane to exist in life among so much abuse. To say that my life was unmanageable is for me an understatement - it was absolute chaos. It did not appear to be so externally, but internally I was a disaster. There were also external indicators, but because so much of society is living in insanity my life didn't seem abnormal. I could insert a lot of words in the first step for alcohol, but it covers a multitude of violations to my little spirit. I was fortunate that I was not an alcoholic myself, or an addict of other substances. My addictions were different. I took the abuse from others and I turned it into abuse toward myself from myself. A sick cycle of pain. I was addicted to pain, inappropriate attention, shopping, compulsive thinking. I can remember sitting for hours and hours working out my budget - not in a healthy way, but to the point of obsession. The more money I had, the more time I worked on it. It was insane. I have seen a couple of those insane budgeting moments on paper lately - it hurts to consider the waste of my creative time and energy on something so meaningless.

Pain addiction - boundary less life. I had an under developed sense about people. I didn't know healthy ways to develop relationships. Often times I jumped in to quick and allowed others to know a great deal about me before knowing them, really knowing them. This problem caused me a great deal of pain -
choosing unsafe people to live life with can set you up to burn like a match to a gas can - engulfed in a soul burning blaze.

My favorite word in step 2 is restore. That meant that somewhere in my existence and in the existence of the whole world there once was sanity. I have been on that path ever since coming to know restoration. I love that white spiral actually existed before black mess. I have seen little glimpses of white spiral in my early child hood. I can remember being free and joyful, happy and glad.

So, what is the correlation between the excavation for the direction of my voice, these truths I've presented about my life; black mess and white spirals and the thought..."we are not disposable commodities".

It is a truth I've come to know because of the work I've done internally. A truth I believe is meant to be shared! Life isn't all about one of us, it is important that each of us knows our true value to ourselves and to others. It is about encouraging me and encouraging you - to leap! Before seeing the lie of black mess while working on myself (now referred to as white spiral) I believed I had no value. My parents made me feel that way, whether intentionally or not. I led a life of seeking those same scenarios for myself as an adult. My corporate life is a great example. It looked different in terms of structure, but it was simply a reflection in the mirror of my soul. "You are replaceable, you are worthless, you must produce, produce, produce and you must do this flawlessly." I saw how my faulty thinking, learned childhood behavior led me to a path of the same old painful stuff as an adult.

Now, I see differently. Now I know - I am a wonderful, valuable, irreplaceable human being, and I matter to God's work on this planet and the universe. I know this same fact to be true for every living soul that exists today - no matter who they are, or where they live. More than anything I want them to know it too.

Here's another REAL ME picture, I am tubing in the snow!

I'm seeing something about where and how my voice might be used...clarity is coming!

Invitation to Excavation Exploration: Finding the direction for my voice!

2010-04-14T11:55:00.002-04:00

I am going to take a journey. I have realized that blogging for me is about sharing a journey. My journey, your journey, our journey, the journey of life.

Within this journey, I am in a process of becoming aware of my voice and the direction in which it is to go. I have learned throughout my journey so far that I am not one thing or another. I am composed of many intricate details and within these intricacies there is something I am to say. I have begun to say it, in various ways, to various people, but there is a refining now, and I would like to extend an invitation to you to join me for the next few...how ever long this takes; exploration period.

Yes, I am calling it an Excavation Exploration.

I'm going to begin Excavation Exploration by examining a piece of mixed media art that came to me during a morning meditation this week.

I invite you to explore this with me. As I come to an awareness for my voice, and the direction it is to go.

MY INSIDES

The visual came to me to begin it by creating first; how I use to be. I began with black paper and various colors of string.

The string of colors represent my essence and the fact that the essence of myself has always been within me. I have recently done an exploration of color and their meanings due to a retreat I facilitated for The Katherine Project. I recognize the value of being aware that I have always had ALL of this within me. The state of being is messy in this picture. The picture was messy to create. I would say after considering this for a day now that I was in this state for 25 years, from 8 years old to 33 years old. Naturally, as I see this page; there is insanity. This is an amazing aspect of 12 step recovery in my life. Putting a term with the imbalance of my being for those 25 years.

At 33 I enter into - the next level; please note that the levels go upward, I love this.

The white with spirals. The spiral is my symbol. There is something about the inward coiling and the outward expression of the spiral that touches me deeply. I entered into therapy, 12 step, and an overall period of awakening at this stage in my journey. While creating this piece, this part was the most difficult to lay down on paper, and it was a very difficult part of my adult life experience. Possibly one of the darkest times I can recall in terms of concentrated work. I had the most difficult episode of PTSD during this time. It was the place in time I dealt with the past, and significantly entered into acceptance of my experiences and a state of forgiving. This is when I remembered I am HER. Please click the link to visit that post for more information. While cropping this particular part of the art work I said to myself, "This is beautiful." Those words are evidence to me of how I feel about this piece of me and this aspect of my journey. There is also a knowing within me that I dip into this aspect of dissecting and intersecting still. The two top layers I would say I toggle between. I have a steady consistency now that makes the process move quickly, but still...there is always a coming back to the middle ground!

The last part of the piece is a combination.

It is all of the tiny spirals coming together from the mess, to the details, to the whole, to create one magnificent spiral. It is acceptance of life as it continues. Trust in the process of life, but with an acute awareness of relationships. It recognizes dark and light. It is swirled within all of it. The night and the day. It is all of the colors together, visible separately and intertwined together.

This part of the project came together in my mind while doing black mess and white spirals. I did the two bottom pieces simultaneously.

The top and HIGHEST piece developed within me while working through the two bottom pieces.

Upon creating the top piece I collaborated with my husband. I am becoming aware that collaboration is of absolute necessity for my voice and its direction. In truth we are always collaborating. We are either collaborating in our insanity or we are collaborating for our wellness. Although I had a knowing of how I wanted the top piece to be conveyed with black and white, I discussed it with him. Ultimately coming back to my original thoughts, but allowing for his thoughts to be a part of the work. I flowed in creating the top piece seamlessly. It was the easiest to lay down and apply onto the paper. It was also easy to swirl. I think that is pretty amazing, and there is something about the process of creating it that is speaking to me! When I was sharing this with my family I said, "I don't know why, but this piece of art work is very important to me and has a great depth of meaning for my journey." I plan to frame this. I plan to do that soon.

I wanted you to see where the art is hanging in my world for now. I have placed it where I see it from my computer. My writing space.

This is the dining room of our home. This room is also where The Katherine Project is currently holding meetings. I love the trail of things that is leading up to this visual. I'd like to mention a few things in this picture. There are two cards from Jenny Stevning. You can see the one that is an obvious Jenny Stevning piece. The girl. Notice she has a spiral in the center of the picture. This picture is propped up by; The Bible. There is a book in the brown bag suggested to me by Susan Carpenter Sims; The Pollinatrix from: The Whole Blooming World and Illuminated Manuscripts. The book is; Writing Down the Bones by: Natalie Goldberg. I have recently collaborated with Jenny and Susan. Jenny created a coloring book for The Katherine Project retreat this past weekend. Susan edited my piece for As We Forgive, and continues to work with my writing. I love the evidence of collaboration and connection within all of this. The bag the book is in has various creative mediums and other books. There are colored pencils, sketch paper, my writing notebooks, glue, crayons, markers, folders with momentos, and my Sark's Journal and Play!Book! by: Sark, Hope for Today an Al Anon conference approved literature, and Wherever You Go There You Are by: Jon Kabat-Zinn. All of these things I've mentioned are a collaboration within my soul. I take this moment, and I honor each and every one of them. (Pause)

Let me also show you outside of the window of the dining room.

The two pictures I have shown you are things sitting to the right side of my computer. I am right handed. The window is to my right.

In the days to come I will journey from the bottom to the top of this art work, to excavate of myself; the emotional, mental, spiritual, physical aspects on each page. I will look at them individually as well as together. I know that I will come back to the process of creating each piece as the whole as well as the meaning behind it. It feels exhilarating to do this...and yet I have really no concrete evidence of WHY. This is faith, this is the faith I talked about in my previous post. This is the knowing! This is me entering into trust with something without need of an explanation or an assurance from someone or something that there is a purpose beyond the opportunity to explore it. I know inside myself that there is a greater understanding within this. I know that quite possibly it is leading me towards something, but I don't really care where it ends up; I JUST WANT TO DO IT!

I am also drawn back to my New Year thoughts and commitments. Maybe some of you might remember; Truth & Fun! Hmmm, kind of makes you wonder doesn't it? (the spell check words for hmmm are as follows: hammy, Hammad, Hummel, and hummus).

I hope you will join me. If you are on a similar journey, please post a link to your work in the comments. Do you have a similar experience? If so, share that by linking to your own blog, or writing about it in the comments of this post or the continued post for Excavation Exploration. Do you have a symbol, a word, a place that speaks to you? If so, share about that here in the comments, or on your blog, and link to that sharing. Please, share until your heart is content, don't worry about the length of your comments. I want to hear about your experience. I appreciate all that you might share!

Thank you all for allowing me to be a part of your journey! Blessings.

Open - Wide Open; Singing Above All Instruments

2010-04-12T11:18:00.007-04:00

Something very powerful is happening in my life. I am at the stage and place of spiritual trust and knowing that I have always reasoned possible, but now know and experience as absolute. I have simple prayers and they are answered with detail and awareness that cannot come from my own intellect or power, nor the intellect or power of another human being. The leading is beyond my personal control, I am a follower. I am a resolved follower to be lead beyond my self. I deny the self of me and go into the depth of the greater part of who I know that I know I truly am. I am free to have this experience. I have given myself permission to go and I am stepping beyond limitation into an unlimited place within life.

I pray, "Teach me to reach you." - and I am given resources. The connections presenting themselves through this power beyond my intellectual experience, are happening with such consistency that my faith is now in the place of knowing without needing to see. "Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." There is a knowing that cannot be explained by words, or the mind. It is within the spirit. It is within the power only known to prayer and its inexhaustible resource. The resource of God.

I pray, "The power that you said was available to us God, the power you promised we would have, I want to know, live, and experience this power. Show me how to live within the realm of this power you promised." - and in common and uncommon connection it is streaming into the spectrum of my life. No, not streaming, it is bountifully flowing with a force that is gentle, but constant. And yes, this flowing is growing the body of water within me and around me, from a puddle, to a vast and glorious river. The river of my life. The river of life.

There simply is no quantifiable explanation for my personal experience anymore. There is no logic and yet, it is logical in a mysterious and enamoring sense. It simply is.

There is a divine force within me and surrounding me - my mind has no need to reason it, or to logically explain its existence, the mind follows the soul. It does not matter what is thought, because this is beyond thinking. The mind knows its place as a tool; a resource for the whole of me. It is experiential with knowledge being the accompaniment. It is the operatic singer accompanied by the awesome force of the orchestra. Combined together, with awareness of the singing above all instruments.

God's divine power is utterly recognizable to my being. It knows this force as a child knows the voice of its mother. The assurance that only that voice can give. It knows because it is the kindred connection to its whole in this existence. It is who I am beyond the body. It is the absolute force of what we call; love. It is love incarnate. It is real. It is mind blowing. It has no reasonable context. Yet, it is a place within the freedom of existence that fills me, and it shows itself in the most magnificent, ordinary places in my life.

It fills me with a sweet warmth that lies within the shade of coolness. And it gives a radiance, strong, attainable.

It is walking through woods
sun high in sky
wind blowing through trees
leaves rustling
leaves singing their song

sky is blue
as blue
as blue can be

And light shines down
and light shines up
illuminating all
a dance
between shade
of
sweet
cool
warmth
I am within it all

I open, wide open, and I am.

John 17:26 (Contemporary English Version; emphasis added)
I told them what you are like, and I will tell them even more. Then the love that you have for me will become part of them, and I will be one with them.

Reference: John 20:29 NKJV

Threshold

2010-04-07T11:38:00.004-04:00

she stood on the threshold
holding open the screen door
contemplating the consequences should she
defy her mother's edict to
"put your shoes on before you go outside!"
the sensation of bare feet on
weathered porch boards warmed by the sun
sealed her fate
this is what it feels like
to know my own mind, she thought
as the screen door slammed behind her by: Stacy Wills

Stacy Wills Website link
Stacy Wills Blog Link
An interview with Stacy Wills on Abbey of the Arts by: Christine Valters Paintner

A Country Easter

2010-04-05T09:33:00.001-04:00

A beautiful Easter in the country...

Dogwoods in bloom, drawing me near.

Sweet southern girl with feet on the moss.

And at the edge of the woods - a true Easter surprise!

Blessed week to you all!

In the Wilderness: Good Friday

2010-04-03T10:00:00.003-04:00

Today as I share the experience of Good Friday, I find myself unable to bring to this post a full meaning for myself of Lent. I suppose it is because it isn't over yet. Tomorrow is; Resurrection, and only then will I have observed the experience in its entirety.

During a quiet moment yesterday morning I sensed within myself a need to cleanse. The energy in my body felt enormous, but also, contained with focus.

So, with this awareness I began to clean the house. All throughout the cleaning I was remembering that this day is the day He died. Large lumps surfaced in my throat as I forced the soap scum away from the shower door. The lump, when swallowed seemed to move to my heart rapidly. My heart felt pains of grief and sorrow. I remained aware of the observance as my body forced the cleansing of my home. My daughter also joined me in the cleansing. She took each direction I gave to her with immediate movement, "Bring me 6 paper towels", "Yes mam", and did my request with respectfulness.

For an odd reason, amidst this cleansing of our inner abode I felt that we should transplant our strongest seedlings to larger pots. We shifted from indoor work to outdoor work during mid morning while it was cooler, as our temperatures here in the south have jumped strangely into the high 80's.

While transferring our tiny treasures I decided to plant some flowers as well. As I inspected the flower pots; now dulled from years of use, I decided to change the black to a frothy green. This choice meant spray painting the pots, a trip to the nursery, and more dirty work. I was exhilarated, and so was my daughter.

As the day continued on - I grew somber. I was abstaining from computer use, email, blogging, chatting, phone calls, television. There were other things too, but these usual social outlets I felt I wanted to refrain from for the day as to give myself into this time for contemplation. It was working. The choice meant attentive thoughts to the day of observance when Jesus was crucified. I did make one phone call though, to a friend who had intended to observe Maundy Thursday. I called to find out how the Passover meal had gone and the trip to the church she found that was observing the Stations of the Cross. She told me that due to a hectic day she had not been able to go. She informed me that the church was open until 10pm on Good Friday and asked if I wanted to go. I immediately said, "Yes", and within 15 minutes we were on our way. Two children in toe, and two mothers went onward into an experience we could not have prepared ourselves for.

The experience remains unsettled within me, again I feel that it is because it is not suppose to settle yet, it is not complete. Due to this I will only share a defining moment for me. Station 6 - Jesus is Crucified. The instructions for Station 6 were to take a piece of paper and write any sin, or obstacle down on the paper, then nail the paper to the cross lying down on the floor. My obstacles/sin were not hard to think of; immediately I wrote, judgement of others, selfishness, and a few more that jumped to mind but don't recall now. This past week I have been in a new, yet vulnerable place. I have also encountered situations that are old, familiar, and dis-heartening. I have felt insecure, and even hurt. I recognized quickly that this was my stuff, and the obvious reason this stuff is surfacing is because of the old pattern of behavior that wants acceptance. I took this moment that had been presented to me in symbolic action and I - nailed that stuff to the cross! This was the point in the process of visiting the stations that I broke. In hearing the hammer hit the nail - my heart shattered. Due to the responsibility of the children with us I felt myself hold the tears to a minimum, but I knew - I knew what my body, soul, spirit was feeling. I knew this was something powerful for me.

After arriving home, grief set in. I remember after reading Joan Didion's; A Year of Magical Thinking this past summer to get a better perspective on death for the living; recognizing that the living feel physical responses to death. For me, I have become aware that a coolness seems to surround my body, and I have no desire for heavy food. I typically want warm soup, or hot liquid. I had not expected to feel these sensations, but they appeared rather rapidly after arriving home.

The mood in the home became quiet. Each of us, even my husband although he had not attended the Stations with us, seemed to carry contemplation and softness. It spoke to me of how we affect one another - how our energy supplies others with whatever we might carry. A supply of consideration ran throughout our veins.

We processed.

My daughter processed by creating a station of her own.

I took these pictures this morning. My daughter decided she wanted to leave her station in place so that we could visit it when we all woke up this morning. I am amazed at the effect Lent has made within her. I am amazed at its effect on each of us. I anticipate tomorrow - while remaining tightly wrapped with these experiences for today.

The irony in all of the activity of the day is that I had not read any how to information for Good Friday. We did what we felt the inside ourselves saying to do. After my husband informed me that there was some significance to gardening on Good Friday, I decided to check this information out online this morning. Here was an interesting article I found; Good Friday Observance at www.catholic.org. It felt affirming for me. I also realized that if we go into an experience with intension, direction for that experience will evolve within us, and the experience will be our very own. Something truly sacred - something we know, something we truly know, beyond our intellect. Today, beyond my thoughts there is a knowing within me, and I am grateful for Jesus.

In the Wilderness: A post to forgiveness.

2010-03-31T19:40:00.002-04:00

Please share with me in a great privilege I received to write for the As We Forgive movie 40 Days of 4Giveness Campaign blog.

http://asweforgivemovie.com/40daysblog/

Susan Carpenter Sims - I thank you!

In the Wilderness: Hurt

2010-03-31T09:11:00.002-04:00

I am hurting right now. I'm not going to deny that it is here and indwelling me. I am embracing the feelings and acknowledging them, one by one. It feels unsettling to have such strong and powerful emotions. I am angry that these feelings have arisen during my wilderness experience. My heart and soul has been ripped open to the experience of the wilderness, and I have dedicated myself to the time of this season. Then; this hurt comes in and I feel angry about it.

I feel wasted from the hurt. I feel used from the hurt. I feel ignored from the hurt. I feel broken from the hurt.

The hurt has walked through the door again. I find myself floundering for the appropriate boundary with the hurt. I feel no sense of how to handle it and so my work becomes this hurt, once again. It makes me angry because this hurt does not deserve this attention within me and yet this hurt requires it.

So, I say to the hurt - WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME AGAIN? Why? Why, hurt can't you see? Why, hurt are you all about you, and never about me? I've been exactly what I never want to be because of you hurt. Are you happy you have broken me down again?

There is no "be strong" in this hurt - this is weakness, pure no nonsense weakness, it is as it is; this hurt. I will allow it to be so. I will be fragile. I will struggle with my helpless self through the hurt. I will; Let it Be.

So, alone with this hurt I sit. I will work with whatever comes and will be honest with how I feel. I will not deny its reality, but hopefully I will not cause the same pain hurt has caused for me.

"...I am weak, but he is strong."

In The Wilderness: Garden

2010-03-29T10:42:00.001-04:00

My heart is a garden. What will it grow?

As I reach deeply into myself; I find a great deal of work happening within my heart. There is water. There is new soil. There is sun. There is rain. There is tilling. There is pruning. There is a garden growing.

Old seeds are blooming, and new seeds are planted.

I am tending to this garden with grace. I am tending to this garden with tender, gentle care. I am pushing my hand deeper into the soil. I am allowing myself to become submerged in the work of the garden. I do not care how dirty I get to till the soil for good use. I will continue to reach into this heart and work its fertile existence.

I will love.

In the Wilderness: The Katherine Project Expands

2010-03-25T14:29:00.003-04:00

I do have some things in my life that I don't create blogs for such as; my husband...that might be fun though; One True Self: The Husband, or how about One True Self: My Grocery Budget & Recipes...it seems the list is endless or maybe NOT! lol

Wisdom Card: Louise L. Hay

I said all that to say; I have created another blog. It is a multiple author blog, and it is the blog dedicated to...I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE THIS...

THE KATHERINE PROJECT

Click the link above for the first post! Of course I had to share it with you guys.

I would love, love, love for you guys to see the work that is going on in my life and community. The blog we created is the expression of that work. Since I am a blogger and writer I have to channel it into a format that is familiar to me, so it seemed natural to create The Katherine Project Blog!

There are so many things happening daily, it actually feels almost minute by minute, that are expanding the work. It is hard for me to contain myself. I am growing with it.

Wisdom Card: Louise L. Hay

I'm facing all the obvious self doubts and self introspection that go along with reaching out to your dreams, but something about the connection it is making in the hearts of people keeps me following the lead. As I have mentioned many times through several posts I have done since January; I am scared, but I've realized I have more FAITH than fear. I have faith and trust in God, and I have faith and trust in myself. It has been a long time in coming. A lot of work and pain has gone into gaining trust in both myself and God. I'm glad he never gives up on me, and I'm glad I didn't give up on me either. Thank you God, I love you.

I want to publicly thank my husband. He has given me the space to pursue my life's dreams. Thanks Bay, I love you so much!

In the Wilderness: Inside Art

2010-03-23T09:26:00.004-04:00

for me

Jenny Stevning is truly an inspiring artist.

The communal aspects of her work are bountiful. She shares her work with us and allows us to partake within her work.

This coloring page is a part of that sharing.

Thank you Jenny for this coloring page. You can print this coloring page by clicking here to visit Jenny's blog.

In the Wilderness: Publicly Available

2010-03-22T09:19:00.005-04:00

As I sink myself more fully into aspects that are unknown to me - vulnerability and insecurity creep in. I am working on writing more seriously. The Katherine Project has grown into a team of people and this provides a level of responsibility to the work and to these people that I have not encountered before. As We Forgive is always expanding. Teaching for the first time in our home school group is also a new place to share. Sharing in groups of women is a new adventure for me as well - and within all of these places I am for the first time in 13 years; publicly available. I cannot say how deep this goes for me in words. It simply is one of the deepest places I've entered since beginning the recovery journey. This reminds me of many of the pieces within recovery work that remind you that the journey of recovery - and for me I translate that more broadly - the journey within this life; never ends. There is always new work to do with the prospects of new adventures.

I am thankful I can see the prospects as adventures rather than terrifying unknowns.

Still... there is that little piece of me that feels afraid.

One of the things that recovery has given to me is a sense of acceptance of myself. This acceptance provides a tranquil place to go to when I feel these tinges of vulnerability and insecurity. Also, I recognize the security and wellness within my family and home life. This is the essence of recovery for me. Living in a continual state of disruption as a child and young person, then carrying that onward into my adult life, I never under-estimate the safety of my home life now and the value it has for my adventures. Without the spring board of my family, my husband and my daughter I simply would not be jumping into the deep waters I find myself in now.

Today (Sunday) has been a day full of comfort, a day of reminding me of myself and what I love.

We bought seeds, fertilizer, and pots to germinate our seeds. This will be the first time we have attempted to grow vegetables and flowers from the stage of a seedling. There is something exhilarating in considering growing our sustenance. I have no erroneous ideas - I realize this may not work, but we will try and do our best. It was refreshing to sort through this process together, and to observe our family as we each participated in the project of gathering our tools to begin to grow a garden.

After purchasing our garden supplies we went to the library. As I walked through the isles my senses began to soar. The smell of the books was an aroma no less sweeter than the smell of gardenia bush in the peak of late summer. I was mesmerized. The resources round about me called to me...and my research quickly surfaced. I had no concept of what I might choose to bring home, but the will of my heart led the way. For me the library is like taking a walk through a brilliant, yet dense forest...I always find my way, sometimes overwhelmed with the thickness in resource, but always feeling a deeper breath for having been there. I love being surrounded by so many writers - it is as if they are all beckoning to me; come to us, be with us, sit with us, learn from us, teach to us, join us.

We left the library and I was dropped at the grocery market. I bought free range chicken, and no antibiotic/growth hormone beef. I bought beautiful strawberries, crisp lettuce, bananas and jam. It feels good to try. To try to do our best for ourselves and for the earth. We truly want to consider our consumption with our whole hearts.

It is hard to explain that I can feel a heightened sense of emotion that is raw and hard, an almost melancholic state. Yet feel a sense of comfort and love and peace and wholeness at the same time. There is simply a constant state of knowing that has settled and takes residence within - maybe has always been, maybe I have taken residence within the knowing instead, maybe its plain and simple awareness. I think so, I think that is it really. Within it I enter into a peace without understanding and a rest beyond comprehension.

I must admit also, I'm frankly smitten with the fact that "My little HP that could..." is now uploading a photo to this post...I love how much fun this is!

In the Wilderness: Terrain of the Territory

2010-03-20T20:45:00.003-04:00

I feel myself slipping into a state of wandering, of questions, of doubt. That is okay. This is the territory of the wilderness and a terrain I must endure.

I am okay - there is a consistent stream within me and I retreat into that stream. It is part of the process and I open myself to it, I open fully and completely. I am okay with hurting, I am okay with a broken heart, I am okay with feeling pain. Still...You are here, I am here, and We are here together.

I remember, not long ago, recognizing resistance to these places within myself. Now I see the value of embrace and acceptance. So, at least this time, I open to the experience as it comes.

It is best to feel it than to resist what is already true and here. I might know better once it is done, the value in acceptance upon its initial surfacing - time will tell.

For now - this is the terrain.

In the Wilderness: A Symbolic Seed

2010-03-19T09:46:00.004-04:00

I painted this in honor of entering into the wilderness during my first observance of Lent. It is: Ash Wednesday - Barren. I am watching the branches of my life bud new growth and I am encouraged to show you how this painting has evolved within this experience as I am growing the painting along with myself. I am thankful to have art for myself.

This Saturday I will be involved in the second screening of As We Forgive of which I will be sharing a small message. This is the first work of The Katherine Project. I am thankful to have the opportunity to share.

Since writing about the first exhibition and naming the work The Katherine Project, it has begun to quickly pull itself together, as if I am only observing its formation, participating and being available. I am following its pull not forcing its inception. I am thankful for the people who have come into the work.

And...my husband and I saved $590 by replacing the back light inverter in my computer LCD screen ourselves. Guess who is typing on her little HP to send this post? Hooray for my little HP! I am thankful for my little HP.

Yes, it is in the small ways and big ways I see all of this swirling and connecting together, to create one big, magnificent, beautiful, simple life experience. I am grateful beyond words to see all of this with my very own eyes. I am blessed! I am thankful for my life.

In the Wilderness: I Am Always a Child

2010-03-18T12:34:00.023-04:00

It is never too late to be what you might have been.

- George Eliot

It is never too late to be what you might have been, or what in truth you always have been and always will be. Jennifer

I have spent 5 years growing up. I was child-like in my manner of how I handled life. I did not know how to properly sort through dilemmas and life circumstances. I did not know how to cope.

I created the inward sanctuary of what home should have been as a child; and began to slowly grow myself up.

I know that I am still in the journey, we are never fully arrived into anything in its complete completeness, but there is a consistency that has been developed, and I can trust it, trust myself, trust in the power that is greater than myself.

Now, I enter into a new place - a place where I am again child-like, and I am growing into it, growing up all over again. It is beautiful, subtle, frightening, emotional and more than anything...CREATIVE.

I am becoming as I was intended to become and it is blessed.

I have recognized no matter how young or old I am in years; man's way of monitoring itself in days and weeks and months...I am always a child.

Jeremiah 1:6-10 NIV
“Ah, Sovereign Lord,” I said, “I do not know how to speak; I am only a child.” But the Lord said to me, “Do not say, ‘I am only a child.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord. Then the Lord reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, “Now, I have put my words into your mouth.”

In the Wilderness: Simplicity

2010-03-15T09:27:00.002-04:00

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." Maya Angelou

A poem I would like to share and where I found it online.

The Meaning of Simplicity

I hide behind simple things so you'll find me;

if you don't find me, you'll find the things,

you'll touch what my hand has touched,

our hand-prints will merge.

The August moon glitters in the kitchen

like a tin-plated pot (it gets that way

because of what I'm saying to you),

it lights up the empty house and

the house's kneeling silence--

always the silence remains kneeling.

Every word is a doorway

to a meeting, one often cancelled,

and that's when a word is true:

when it insists on the meeting.

Yannas Ritsos (1909 - 1990)

Translated by: Edmund Keeley

There are many parts of this poem that reach inside of me and deeply touch. For the moment however, since having begun to write publicly and to blog, the part that reaches out the most internal to external is "and that's when a word is true: when it insists on the meeting." (emphasis added)

I know the agony of a trapped creative life. The agony of bearing a story and not knowing how or where or when to share. I am thankful for the many teachers I have had throughout my life that have brought me to the place that I now take the risk - to share, to love, to grow, to write, to feel, to move, to create.

I am filled with thankfulness, I am filled with hope.

In the Wilderness: Remebering The Battleship

2010-03-10T10:33:00.005-05:00

The Showboat in Full SplendorPosted By ShoutCarolina,Date: 01.28.2009

Let's pray that the human race never escapes from earth to spread its iniquity elsewhere. C. S. Lewis

My family and I toured the Battleship North Carolina in October 2009. The Battleship North Carolina was a capital ship used in WWII. The Battleship North Carolina stands as a memorial to WWII Veterans.

I had been reluctant to see the battleship since my husband had expressed his desire to go, but I thought it was necessary for our little one to understand history/war/ships. I had not considered anything else in anticipation of the trip.

When we walked up the deck to board the ship it HIT ME like a ton of bricks. THE GUNS WERE SO BIG. They are actually called, the "big guns". My husband had no idea the state of shock it threw me into and because of the enthusiasm of my family about this field trip I kept my anguish to myself.

I became nauseated.

The "big guns" were huge and this battleship in comparison to larger war ships is a tiny tug. The "big guns" were explosive in size, there was no need for ammunition to frighten me...the sheer largeness of it was enough. I began to feel as though I might cry.

I started to consider the time, money, people and human ingenuity that went into creating these massive guns, and then I considered the time, money, people and human ingenuity it took to put the "big guns" to use.  Then, anguish enveloped my heart. The use of the "big guns" was to exterminate, kill, extinguish human beings; somehow this use was to create peace among us.   I began to consider peace in contrast to this weapon. It alarmed me within the center most spot of myself.

We went into the turret which is where the actual work goes into powering up and putting in the ammunition for firing the "big guns". They had wooden statues to represent the people doing their job. I cried. I just broke right down and cried. My heart was inflated with grief, I had to leave the turret. I could not continue imagining the process of human beings loading this weapon to kill other human beings.

The experience of touring the inner mechanics of the "big guns" inside the turret made me feel light headed, especially as the children were hopping around and saying, "cool", but the most difficult moment for me during our self guided tour was when we approached the Chapel area of the ship. The cross was sitting on a table inside an enclosed clear glass room. There were chairs facing the table. There was a pulpit to the right of the table. Sacrament tools and a Bible also joined the cross on display.

Seeing the cross led me to think about Jesus. I began to consider the symbolic nature of the cross. I began to consider the contrast of; the cross and the "big guns".  The contrast of; Jesus and the battleship.

The one thought that came to me, over and over again was this: He didn't fight...He died, and He died having said these words, "Father, forgive them, they don't know what they are doing."

I said that as a prayer while walking through the corridors of the battleship.  I said it like this though, "Father, please forgive me, I don't know what I am doing, and Father, please forgive us, we don't know what we are doing."

I recognized a long time ago that words are my thing. There is a force behind language and the use of language that is miraculous, powerful.  I have used my time, my money, my life, my human ingenuity to harm others, most specifically with words.    Words are the beginning of indoctrinating others to take action, in one way or the other. I have been a battleship.

On the day of my visit, I made a commitment to myself. I committed myself to be at peace. To be at peace within myself, with God, and with man. To use my gift of words to share love - to share it based on my experience. That experience has had pain, sufferring, and hurt. That experience has had love, hope, and healing. That experience continues with all of these same components; pain, sufferring, hurt, love, hope, and healing, but now my experience is not at battle. Somehow I hope that I will be a vessel that carries healing, rather than a vessel that carries weapons that harm.

In the face of such a massive weapon, I do wonder what a little 'ol country girl like me can really do to make a difference in the world. Is love really enough to change us?

I'd like to end this post with a simple prayer: I pray for peace, and for the safe return of our beloved troops all over the world.

In the Wilderness: Certain

2010-03-08T09:12:00.000-05:00

The one and only thing I am fully certain of about life, the one and only thing I have come to understand without mystery or wonderings is that; existence on earth, in this body, will not last forever.

While I am in this body, I want to treasure every bit of this life...every little morsel.

It is a supreme gift - I RECEIVE IT!

In the Wilderness: Just Plain 'Ol Thankfulness

2010-03-04T10:46:00.001-05:00

I don't want to do a lot of things coming up on the schedule within the next few days. My physical exam came up this week. This for me is one of my biggest Adult Child challenges. This is something I cannot explain to others of how this step into a possible "unknown" creates anxiety and fear in me like nothing else.

I don't expect anyone to understand. This is my stuff. I know other ACOA's can relate but the fact is only I can, with the help of God, march through this.

I've been thinking about some of the women I've read about during the genocide in Rwanda. I've been thinking about this one woman who hid in a swamp, submerged in it for hours. She was physically wounded, hiding, scared. I've been thinking about how small my own life struggles seem in the face of such extreme cirucmstances, and even my "unknown" struggles compared to the magnitude of this woman's struggles. It leads me to realize how self centered I can become, and yet I give myself the grace I need to work through my own fears. Her experience and my experience are different, one much more painful than the other on the surface, but nevertheless fearful just the same.

In all of this it has brought me to an unprecedented level of gratitude. This happens for me occassionally when I am faced with my unknown fears. I am grateful for the fact that we are so wealthy in this country that our home actually has access to 2 laptops. Then I feel ashamed for having been frustrated by my precious little HP's blacked out screen. I miss that little booger. Have I mentioned this already? I know you all are probably concerned about my "attachment issues" (big huge smile)!

Then, I am grateful for medical science and the role I can choose for it to play in my physical health. The woman mired in the swamp did not have this option. She also ended up with HIV due to rape. She had no access to health care for a long period of time. The story of her life is one of deep hope in the midst of deep sufferring. She continued on. I can continue on.
Real truth hits me in the midst of this. I can't believe I have had such grace and mercy extended to me. All of my destructive choices, and I have this life. How can this be so? How could someone so destructive to their body, mind, emotions and spirit end up with such JOY?

I am overwhelmed by the magnitude of grace. I am overwhelmed by the magnitude of love. I am overwhelmed by the magnitude of mercy. I am overwhelmed by the magnitude of kindess. I am overwhelmed by the magnitude of compassion.

The realization of this overwhelming emotion creates in me a determination to honor this gift of life I have. The depth of the determination into my core is startling to my essence. It feels fierce, absolute, resolved.

I am a fortunate woman. I am blessed beyond measure. I have so much, and need so very little.

Then this comes to me: What will you do with this blessed life? Will you hoard it unto yourself? Will you accept courage, and give it away? Be courageous Jennifer, love yourself, love others!

In the Wilderness: Not answering

2010-03-03T02:04:00.003-05:00

As many of you know my computer has presented me an obstacle of sorts, an obstacle to my electronic capabilities.

An obstacle for access to the easy things. Easy things such as; saved files, saved favorite sites, camera soft ware, old pictures taken for use, printer access, automatic spell check on my internet browser, all of the projects I had lined up that would be a part of my experience in the wilderness somewhere behind the darkness of my little HP.

The real "obstacle" has been against my BLOGGING life.

I'm challenged to simply write. No added benefits. The picture I posted the other day was one I drew and had already uploaded to the post. I thought..."Well, isn't this a little refreshment for you, a picture is already here." Also, because I felt compelled to give up certain social sites for Lent, my blogging stats have fallen dramatically. All of this tying in very well to motive. What am I doing this for anyway? Who am I doing it for? Always the same answer: Quality over Quantity, it is the same in every scenario. "Jennifer, Do you want more for less or more in less?" Always, always, always, the answer is OBVIOUS! There are always these tiny little nuggets of golden substance when I don't care about measuring things by a normal, let's say, society standard.

Many of you who are familiar with how I normally work my blog may have noticed that I am not answering comments right now. This is also a part of my wilderness (Lent) experience. Just write Jennifer, just write.

There was even a thought to turn off comments altogether. I decided instead to see if I could read the comments and not answer. A little grace period if you will, to see if I could in fact leave well enough alone. Let the words be, your words and my words - together, without adding more thought into the mix. It feels odd not to answer back. It feels strange to have someone speak their words to me, and then leave their words with no expression of how it impacts me. The comments do impact me. I do not like doing this, but I'll stick to it because I made the commitment to myself that I would. Besides, I don't want this computer to crash!

I don't know how to explain it, but giving up things whether by choice or force (my little HP, cute little perfect keyboard that it has, I miss that little booger) has given me a lot of personal insight. It is refinement, and it is about the small things. It is about the small, simple choices.

I suppose that's it. It is about choice.

It is about the choice to enter the experience. It is about the choice of how to manage the experience. It is about the choice of how to open to the experience. It is about the choice of working through the experience.

The beauty in all of it - THE CHOICE!

This strikes back to recovery from adult child issues. The day I realized I had choices was the day I felt I was reborn!

Choice - the right, power, or opportunity to choose; option. (and my personal favorite) an alternative.

For a girl like me there is so much power in this aspect of understanding. That there is this option. When you are born to people where there is no choice, and you have your rights violated, this idea of opportunity to alternatives is no less than amazing.

And although I had no choice in whether I would have my little, cute, HP to work with, I had the choice of how I would face the opportunity - to seek and find another alternative. You know, accept the things I cannot change, and the courage to change the things I CAN!

In the Wilderness: Chicken Bones

2010-02-28T08:01:00.002-05:00

For some reason the Lent experience has become for me a reflection of the insanity of my life before real grace came into my heart. It is a remembrance of life before I learned the effects of what being an Adult Child of Alcoholics had done to me.

Today especially I am considering the differences between sanity and insanity. What that difference looks like in my day to day experience.

My daughter had a science experiment that called for the use of chicken bones.
I boiled the chicken for 3 hours. The chicken stock that was created from so much cooking time was cloudy and flavorful. I shredded carrots, diced celery, chopped onion, minced garlic.

I sauteed the vegetables, strained the stock, deboned the chicken, combined the ingredients.

Homemade chicken soup, yummy, it took 4+ hours to make. There was more than enough chicken for the soup, so I decided to make chicken salad as well.

The bones are now in a jar with a concoction of vinegar and salt. The experiment takes 3 days before an analysis and conclusion can be made.

The manner in which I lived my life before was too fast for this type of simplicity. It was as if I was forcing myself into spaces and places I did not fit nor belong. I don't squirm anymore internally because I feel out of place among the world. I'm not agitated from an internal absence, or from dark feelings of longing. I'm not pretending to be anything other than who I really am. I'm not concerned about who will or will not accept me, or whether this path I've chosen to walk is okay to those who view it. I'm not wondering about advantages to this time in my life and how that plays out in the future. I am simply here now, living.

Before recovery I would never have had time for something so wholesome, healthy and simple. That is what rebirth is about for me. The real life day to day experiences that float in and out of my day that remind me of the contrast between sanity and insanity. It feels peaceful.

I can live a slow pace, not because I have it easy, but because I choose to take it easy.

Keep it simple.

Philipians 4:7 The Message (emphasis added)
(6 -7) Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God' wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It is wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

In the Wilderness: Exhilarted Existence

2010-02-27T12:11:00.000-05:00

Today there is exhilirated existence.

I feel grateful for my life.

I am thankful for movement. I am thankful that my body can bend, and move. I am thankful my heart can handle physical activity. I appreciate my legs, my arms, my eyes. I am thankful that my lungs can breathe deeply.

Before recovery I never would have paid attention to such blessed gifts. Now, they are essential reminders of the fullness in my existence.

In the Wilderness: No Greater Greatness

2010-02-25T10:00:00.000-05:00

I am thinking about the wilderness. I am thinking about desolation. I am thinking about barren places.

I honestly cannot say that I understand these concepts from a physical stand point. I only have relationship with them from an internal place.

I know the barren spot of a heart that was neglected as a child. I know the desolate longing of wanting love with such neediness that you give yourself to loyalty where it is never deserved or earned. I know the wanderings of a wilderness within that stifles your very essence and preys upon your soul.

What I have determined is that you can become so influenced by this turmoil and pain that you become it and it becomes you. No life inside or outside, only desolation. You are breathing, but not B-R-E-A-T-H-I-N-G.

I cannot count how many moments in my life were lost to my experience of pain, a pain I relived over and over and over again. This it seems is the trap, the enemy to my essence.

What is the difference now compared to the numerous days of life lost to past pain? How can I stop floundering in my thoughts or put a halt to an anxious frenzy before it grips me so tightly my entire being is succumb to it?

Truth.

My truth. In all its tiny parts.

It has different pieces, people, places, parts, puzzles. It is complex. It is simple. It is one thing and it is many things.

For me it equals openness.

It is recovery and yoga, the Bible and meditation, people and art, writing and journals, drawing and family, cooking and sleeping, running and resting, friends and community, prayer and painting, saying yes and saying no, knowing and not knowing.

Yes. It is knowing and not knowing, experience and experiment. Living.

Before I opened to possibility I was closed to life. Life was nothing. Now, life is everything.

As I sit in this time of wilderness, and I have the awareness of knowing I once wished I had never been born, it is surreal. Now, I wish I would not die.

I am filled to my very core with gratefulness. I rest in the experience of a grace that has given me opportunity to love and be loved. I am thankful today for the small things. I am thankful for my body. A body I once abused and hated. Now, it eats well, it runs, it jumps, it stretches, it sits, it rests, it is nurtured, and cared for. Oh, how grateful I am to have myself, to know myself, to be myself, and to be with myself.

I appreciate the power greater than myself that penetrated my soul. The gentle, loving power that reminds me; I was created by something stronger and mightier than myself.

Thank you God. Thank you for loving me, for knowing me, and for allowing me to realize all of this.

There could be no greater greatness, no greater blessing, than to know and to be known. Because of this, I can rest in the mystery of not knowing, and I am glad I do not have to know.
Love.

In the Wilderness:The Waterfall of Thought

2010-02-24T13:05:00.000-05:00

This morning while enjoying the space around a time of quiet solitude, my mind's eye formed a spectacular picture.

I have been pondering my thoughts as a waterfall. Within this pondering I have pictured myself behind the flowing thoughts and inside a cave behind the flow. This practice helps me to remember I am more than my mind, thoughts, and ideas. There is a part of me that is eternal. Thinking is a part of this existence, but my whole existence goes beyond this body, this mind, these limitations.

Today as I pondered this imagery again, I jumped into the pool of water, flipping, swimming, smiling, floating, diving, enjoying the pool. The pool created by the waterfall. All the while the waterfall still pouring in. I would swim under the waterfall. I would tilt my head up, feel the splash, smile, and continue to swim in and around the water pouring into the pool.

Then, I swam with my head above the water behind the waterfall. I lifted myself up onto the rock and walked into the cave. I sat behind the waterfall. Although I could see the waterfall, hear the waterfall, and feel the spray of the waterfall, I was behind it. Observing its power, aware of its strength. I sat. I sensed. I stayed there.

In the Wilderness: Treasure

2010-02-21T21:36:00.001-05:00

My computer backlight is out. The icons are faint, barely visible.

All of my resources are seemingly locked behind a black screen.

It is all there, but inaccessible.

I wonder about this.

I am using my husbands computer. It isn't easy to type on his computer since it's missing a few buttons on the keypad.

The "I" button is missing.

I wonder about this too.

Sometimes it's hard to let go. Then with a slight shift in the universe, there is no choice. It is black. It is missing. It is beyond reach.
You are forced to let go.
Then there is resistance.
Why? Why? Why?
Why now?
Why me?
Why this?

Only time will reveal its treasure.

Into the Wilderness: Minding My Own Business aka RETREAT!

2010-02-17T22:12:00.003-05:00

Minding: noun - a state of awareness of remembrance; verb - to apply oneself or attend to: to mind one's own business, to look after; take care of; tend.

Own: adjective - of, pertaining to, or belonging to oneself or itself

Business: noun - that with which a person is principally and seriously concerned: Words are a writer's business

Thank you, Dictionary.com!

I am rallying around myself. I have made my choices for Lent. The biggest of all has to do with a conscious awareness of my time. What & Where is my time being spent? The effort I have made so far is paying off, adjustments being based on the answers to that question. The whole family is supporting one another. We are minding our business.

I read three posts within a few days time that discussed minding one's business. There wasn't a certain theme among them. One wrote all about it - One Prayer Girl, one placed it in a list - Todd - Sonny Begins Again, and the other had subtle connotations - Kathy M - Grace Was Calling. ALL of them said to me, loud and absolutely clear - mind your business. Each had the back to basics recovery lingo that a girl like me needs to be reminded of! Thanks y'all.

Minding my own business use to mean staying out of other peoples stuff. At one time it made perfect sense to remind myself of that. Now, it means something completely different for me. It means to take care of the business of my life as I need it to be done.

It means I can't control anyone or anything but myself. Period. That being the case its left up to me to attend to myself and to pay particularly close attention to the business at hand.

My business is my business.

I recognized about a few posts ago that I was in desperate need for retreat. I needed refreshment (and still do). The busy life of home education, projects, family, etc, etc. had brought on moments of incoherence. There was one point I thought, "I should not be driving, I am a danger to others." I slept 12 long hours that night. Rest is really good, I recommend rest.

I prepared a new home schedule. A schedule that involves time for me. Everyone (the other two people I live with) is being supportive. They know far to well that when, Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. Lesson learned. I am also back to my morning routine - 3 sweet hours of time to do the things that fill me. Meditate, Pray, Yoga, Journaling, Reading, and coffee! Best of all; watching the sunrise.

A daily retreat. It just makes sense.

Mind Your Own Business - in other words, take good care of you.

and onward I go...into the wilderness.

An Unforeseen Season

2010-02-15T17:04:00.003-05:00

The exhibition of As We Forgive was... EXHILARATING. Gathered among some of my most intimate friends, and a few new friends of whom I know very little, we observed personal stories of men and women who sought reconciliation.

I feel a tinge of sadness within me as I consider this moment exhilarating. Why? I am being taught the power of forgiveness/reconciliation due to approximately 1 million people murdered within a 100 day period of time. I am gleaning an understanding of love, pure love on earth through death. The experience of death for victims and offenders. The experience of life after death has savagely overshadowed them.

For 40 days beginning February 17, 2010 the folks in charge of Living Bricks, a campaign involving As We Forgive have decided to allow those of us who have the exhibition copy of the movie to show the film for FREE within this period of time. The 40 days being in observation of Lent.

A friend who attended the event decided to research the website sited above. She became aware of the 40 day period in observation of Lent. We are currently coordinating another exhibition.

My friend also began to research Lent and decided to observe Lent this year. I have also decided to observe Lent and am now fully engaged in the research of it. Our background has not afforded us the knowledge or understanding of the Liturgical Church Calendar, therefore this is an unforeseen season for both of us. We are fresh in this observation. I had no foresight into this opportunity when I decided to exhibit As We Forgive. The mere fact that I type the three words:as we forgive in relation to observing Lent gives me a feeling of hope; pure hope.

The irony in this is that I lived in Pensacola, FL for several years. Pensacola participates in the celebration of Mardi Gras. I attended many Mardi Gras festivities in Pensacola and Mobile, AL. In spite of all of this I never knew what FAT TUESDAY was truly about.

I know a little bit more now. I did not know that some cultures show special significance to the 3 days prior to Ash Wednesday. I am still gaining understanding about this and have no conclusive thoughts to share.

What we did do today (which was Sunday) is eat heart shaped pancakes in honor of Valentine's Day.

Pancakes seem to be widely used as a main meal in the days leading up to Lent due to the use of eggs, butter, sugar, and milk as these items might be abstained from for the upcoming 40 day fast.

The fact that our pancakes were heart shaped is all the more meaningful for me. I believe this time of observation is of supreme significance in my life, my heart, and I am anticipating a beautiful, but difficult path.

Lent as described here is a time to recall Jesus' 40 days in the wilderness. As I write this; I feel chills run throughout my entire body; internally - externally. This one word standing out the most for me: wilderness.

Several words/thoughts have come up for me this winter season. As I approach these thoughts upon entering Fat Tuesday, Ash Wednesday and the Lent Observance, I feel an internal openness. I wonder how the words/thoughts might afford me a wilderness of sorts.

Here are this winter's words/thoughts:
Retreat
Gravity
Grafting
Reconciliation
Core
Expansion

Today, I have been considering the element; water. I have observed water in many forms throughout this winter season. Snow, ice, rain, mist, fog, clouds. I thought of a post written by Rebecca in which she discussed mist and its relationship to crystallizing on the trees in her area of Alaska. She discusses her personal internal work and the relationship to her observation of the mist crystallizing. It was a beautiful post. You can see that here.

I believe for me water is a significant element during this time. I have recently read about observing your thoughts as if you are tucked behind a waterfall inside a cave behind the flow. I wonder how this will tie together for me especially since much of my reading is pulling me to the Samaritan woman at the well, and her personal encounter with Christ. So much to consider. So much to wonder about. So much in the mystery.

Forgiveness
Wilderness
Water

As you can see I have many thoughts and ideas flooding round about me. I have just noticed I used another "water word" FLOOD.

Rummaging through my house this morning I struggled to work through what I might relinquish throughout the 40 days of Lent, I actually almost cried. I remember the challenge of reading deprivation I adhered to during my work with The Artist's Way by: Julia Cameron. I was miserable. I am almost frightened to consider this again. I am internally screaming, "PLEASE GOD, NO! I NEED MY READING."

I have determined 2 major things I will relinquish. As I ponder these I do not feel release, I feel angst. I know it is right to let them go. Also, as I work through letting these go I find myself drawn to think about our family celebration of Mardi Gras. I skip to Mardi Gras when my thoughts wander to relinquishing my stuff. I start to ponder the King's Cake I'll make and the Jambalya I will stew. I begin to sense the taste of the sausage and shrimp. Then I smell pecans, and brown sugar surrounded by the flaky, buttery cake. I wonder why my thoughts move to this comfort as I consider relinquishing.

Relinquish - to renounce or surrender ( a possession, right, etc.) to give up; put aside or desist from; to let go; release

I see my fragility. I see my want. I see my need. Then I realize there is so much I do not see.

There is an intensity of joy I sense within me in observation of Lent. I feel this as I realize that there will be many people throughout the world observing Lent at the very same time. I grow to wonder about the power of collective unity. I wonder about this power as many people unknowingly are unified in this process together.

Together
Unity
Power

This was an unforeseen season. I am excited as the flow from one moment to the next is simple and easy. The opportunity presenting itself and seizing the prospect of it.

There is a boy missing in my town - Discussion

2010-02-14T13:49:00.003-05:00

I wanted to write a follow up to this post about the experience I had while drafting the post.

This is one of the first times I sat down to write an interactive account of a circumstance at the moment it was occurring.

I initially felt guilty that I was writing about the situation and not doing MORE.
I wrote to relieve myself of the thoughts and to utilize this form of creativity to process the events.
I remained acutely aware of all of my senses during the time of the writing.
I felt sensitive and heightened within my being in terms of emotional response to the situation.
I did not fall under a spell of eratic thought. My ability to cope with the emotions around the missing boy felt more certain and assured as I used the writing to process the event.

I would love to hear more of your experiences in writing.

Happy Valentine's Day!

2010-02-14T08:00:00.001-05:00

A heart painted by the hand of my daughter.

Blessings on Valentine's Day.

There is a boy missing in my town.

2010-02-13T16:19:00.006-05:00

There is a boy missing in my town. It is 4:31 PM on a Tuesday afternoon. We received an emergency call on our land line with the name and description of the boy as well as his last known location.

My heart sinks. I immediately begin to pray. I search outside to see if I can spot anyone walking through our neighborhood. I do not see anything or anyone. Then, after a few moments of constant scanning, I see one of my neighbors walking his dog. Something compels me to run out, flag him down, and tell him of the news. I sense while observing the direction my neighbor is walking that he is already aware of the news. He would not walk the dog outside of the neighborhood in the freezing cold temperature for exercise. It is just too frigid for that.

I think to call my friend C. My phone rings and instinctively I know it is C. I say upon hitting the button to answer the phone, not hello or how are you, but instead, my greeting is, "I have gotten the call." We begin to consider the news together and during our dialogue she goes online to search a map to find out where the street is located in our town that the boy was last seen.

She also researches the local news website and there it is: BOY MISSING. She says, "Oh, I shouldn't have, there is a picture." We are both heart broken. I tell her I need to go and look at this online.

We know we will discuss this later as the updates ensue. We say goodbye for now.

I pull up the news bulletin and read that the boy has run away. The emergency call said the boy may be in need of medical attention. " Medical attention", I think to myself. Please God send him his rescue.

I copy the link to the article, pull up my facebook page and paste the article into the live news feed question: "What is on your mind?". I paste the link and click share. I log out of face book and pick up the phone.

I call my husband. I tell him where to go to find the information online and to ask him to keep on the look out for the boy during his drive home. I give him the description and tell him to look at the picture, although I know he can look at the information online I am compelled to communicate its entirety over the phone as well. I tell him, "I love you." We hang up.

Upon hearing my discussion with her dad my daughter looks to the computer, notices the picture on the local news website; she looks at me, points at the picture, and says, "Mommy, that boy ran away from home, Why?" Her face is distressed and angst.

I look at her almost breaking under the weight of the question and I say with quivering voice, "Honey, I don't know why, right now all we can do is pray."

I go to the kitchen and clean and think, clean and think.

I check the chicken in the boiling water and see the water is rising close to the top. I pull the lid, reduce the heat and place the lid back on the pot. All the while...I think, "Where are you boy? Why have you run away?" I am asking for a power greater than ourselves to lead us to the boy. Then I begin to consider why he might have taken this risk and run away from home.

I stop, I sit, I close my eyes, I breathe in, I breathe out. I do this for an extended period of time. I observe my thoughts and with stillness they dissipate. It is best to stop the mental anguish of consideration and do only what I can do, and that is to pray toward the facts I have been told, and that the outcome will be hopeful.

I hear helicopters whipping through the air. The sound is strong, the aircraft is searching right above our home. I listen, the sound becomes faint. It rushes back toward our home, but now off toward the northern part of town. It comes back. Is it one or two helicopters? It sounds like only one. I say nothing out of the desire to keep my daughter from too much worry or concern. She says, "There are helicopters searching for the little boy now Mommy. Can you hear them?" Why, do I think she is not aware? I am thankful for her awareness. "Yes I hear them."

I come to her and we pull our hands together and she prays as I respond with thank-you and yes and Amen.

I sit and write. She sits and writes, she has announced she is writing a book called: A Heart of Gold. I am writing a post called: There is a boy missing in my town.

Original Date: 1/12/10 - The boy was found the same evening.

Write, Read, Huh?

2010-02-11T17:45:00.000-05:00

I want to write but my thoughts and fingers are not coordinating well for the page. I am once again exhausted. My desire to write with presence and awareness has kept me at a distance from working on anything at all. I am so tired I can barely reason while editing the words.

I wrote a really crappy article before this one. It was about the beautiful flowers I received from my husband today. The flowers were in a long, green box. I have always wanted a box of flowers. I sat to write in honor of this gift and of my husband. The writing was awful. I tried to be creative and it looked like I had never written words together in a sentence before.

I want to read but comprehension eludes me. Even the smallest of post draw each ounce of me to a blurbing nothing. I simply cannot force it.

I want to post my missing boy article. I took the time to edit the article yesterday. Now, I don't have the strength to read it again, and I'm afraid if I toy with it I'll really screw it up.

The whole situation has caused me to analyze the importance of writing and blogging. I have determined I need this and therefore need to figure out how to manage it into my daily life.

So...I did write today! Maybe later I can read.

Small Things

2010-02-03T21:45:00.000-05:00

Love is always in the small things. This is basic, fundamental self care.

There needs to be a different king of doing.

I am always amazed at the opportunity to see growth. To see the level of awareness I have gained and my intolerance for ignoring it. I can no longer deny myself nurture.

Finally, after many days of busy work there was a moment for me last night to be in an open room with no one but myself. I played a beautiful song over and over again. It was tranquil. I read Thoreau, also tranquil. I laid down in the bed and quickly fell asleep. I awoke early and made time for journaling, reading, and meditation. Waking early is critical, as this is the only time to myself within the day. I knew as this practice tapered off, because of the responsibilities elsewhere, I would feel the repercussion of the loss.

My emotions are still raw, but I'm not losing myself entirely to it. I am also not pretending it isn't there. The thing I am most happy to see in this growth is my ability to engage others and have conversation about myself, but then move into conversation about them or life in general. This for me is the realization that life is not all about me and getting things in perspective - which is directly related to my co-dependent recovery work. Everyone is valued. Again, although it is a heavy time, there is a vein of joy that consistently shows itself to me and I am always grateful for this.

Strangely or maybe not, this disruption within comes at a time where I will be giving as I have never given before outwardly. A greater purpose perhaps of reminding me of my own human condition. My exhibition of As We Forgive is on Sunday, the first phase of screening has occurred and already I sense, change. I know that the universe is calling for this love, the message of hope it renders, and I am thankful to be used as a vessel to bring this story to my little spot on earth. I believe reconciliation is the key to healing our lives and our land. I cannot turn back now. I am, however...scared.

I believe that the struggle of life somehow keeps me in tune with the need of love and care for all of humanity. I see my own need for it and therefore know that everyone around me has this need to. It is always important for me to convey a true to life picture, not a once I am on top of the world idea. I am a woman, born of flesh and blood. We are all this: flesh and blood. There is always growth and opportunity, but first I simply need to be loved. I have been gentle toward myself in these weak moments. I am standing taller...not all the way upright, but there is relief.

The tears, such a small thing, have been therapeutic. I know I need to tell my story and work through it all, I am thankful I write to do that and talk with others as well. I am blessed to have such healthy resources in my life and to use them for good.

In the past, before recovery work I would have made harsh angry statements. I would have drowned in my emotions and led myself into a state of depression. Or, I would have been fake and pretended all is well when in reality it was not. To take it even further I might have completely isolated myself and began to tear down beautifully built bridges. I no longer want the bridges to be broken. I might have blamed others or blamed myself and spent hours upon hours in dark deliberation over the matters at hand. I see now that I am seeing more clearly. This is the beauty of recovery work, you are taught to see your progress. Always knowing there will be another moment to reflect, struggle is a part of life's journey, it is a process that will never end.

Sometimes there is no need for words at all. Sometimes there are few words. Sometimes many words, but pondering, and maintaining a sense of awareness of self, others, and collective issues help to leverage it out for me. I am not responding irrationally. I am angry or hurt, tired or weak, I recognize them, honor them, observe them, but don't damage myself or others in the wake of them.

Still, it is not easy.

Small

2010-02-01T21:26:00.004-05:00

The drain of December and all of my daughter's activities and events in January have been daunting to my soul. My ability to stay above the heaviness is like leveraging the weight of an elephant to a flea. I am breaking under the pressure. I am unable to recoup myself quickly. How will I crawl out of the hole that's been dug in around me?

My personal needs have been placed on the back burner for so long now that it has created an aura of darkness around me. All things, no matter there intent, appear to me in a negative light. I feel hostile. I want to escape. I have envisioned quiting everyone and everything. It is a task to keep myself engaged in life.

I have taken into consideration all of the practical reasons this may be occurring. There is winter, lack of exercise, late nights, inability for consistent meditation/quiet moments, unhealthy food, no time for personal endeavors, and the grief within a motherless life.

Frankly, I am tired and drained of the examination of myself as well.

I simply want to hear nothing, say nothing, think nothing, and be absolutely nothing.

I need solitary confinement in a large and open space. To be open and unconfined in confined solitude.

I need to feel small.

BIRTH day!

2010-01-29T13:46:00.004-05:00

Today is the day of her birth. I received a card from a friend the year of her three year celebration. The card said,

"Today is the day a mother was born."

I honor her life with my own. Today above all days I reflect upon my choices as a woman, a mother, a wife, a sister, a friend, a neighbor, a human being. I recognize the power of my influence on this precious life.

She is a gift. Because of this gift, this life, this child, I received the gift of motherhood.

EVERYTHING

since the moment I knew she was forming inside of me has taken on a new realm of consideration and possibility. There is nothing I do that I don't consider the affect it may have on her existence. It is all I have to give her; honoring her existence by considering my own. Recognizing it as it might lead her on her way.

She is not mine to possess. She is not a possession. She is a person. She is given to me as a treasured gift that I must keep in perfect care until it is time for her to go her own way. For now, we are going the way together, but one day she will go the way she will go. As I sit and consider, the path then, the path now, the path of tomorrow, I see each step as important to all steps, then, now, tomorrow, and I honor them, each of them, one by one.

The steps we take,
on the path,
as we go,
the way we go,
one by one.

Today, my precious child, I honor you. I remember that in honoring you I must always honor myself.

Happy Birthday Daughter!

Truth and its Particulars Part IV

2010-01-21T17:39:00.051-05:00

Love without agenda.

Love without a plan. Love without a list. Love without an outline. Love without things to be done. Love without matters to be acted upon. Love, simply love.

Young Goodman Brown (click for TP II) never found his love again once he felt the people failed him. I wonder if he had found his love, might that have changed the others. It is worth considering. Denver (click for TP III) seems to elude to the fact that a knowledge of God and that kind of love would lead to action and that action might show another God's love and then of course lead them to hunger for the knowledge themselves. Seems simple. Seems obvious.

Simply Love

So, then I ask the questions: Why then, is loving without an agenda so hard? What does this truth speak to my heart?

What is said into my heart answers my first question clearly.

It means to love no matter the consequence to me. Can I risk loving myself, my child, my husband, my sister, my mother, my family, my in-laws, my friends, my neighbors, my community, whomever I meet, whenever I meet them, humanity, no matter what the consequence to me?

It simply isn't a matter of whether I can risk loving humanity at this level, it is now set forth in front of me as; Will I risk loving at this level? The level being of no matter to my self in the loving, simply to love.

Nothing and Risk

It is ironic that I would be placed in a state of being that feels compassion so deeply. The irony is it has occurred after I have taught myself to set healthy boundaries, live in an inter-dependent state rather than co-dependent state and to love and appreciate my self in a manner of respect I have never known before. Learning to preserve my self and function within a healthy manner, not only emotionally, but mentally, physically, and spiritually. I recognize my own inabilities and fragility, and yet I love myself all the more. It isn't a self indulgent love. It is a love of endearing faith that you give of yourself to yourself when you rise up from ashes. It is a kind love that penetrates the piercing lack of neglect and abuse lived year in and year out. What is the irony? I remember thinking of sacrifice being somehow selfless in the way that you would always, ALWAYS do for someone BEFORE you do for yourself. This is the contradiction. I know we are all in need, but its really about teaching one another how to fulfill that need within ourselves and allow everything else to be complimentary to that. This isn't saying I am enough for myself, but it is knowing yourself in a way that nobody else can. Respecting what you know and being kind toward that fact.

It is the irony that leads me to want to extend this knowledge, this love to others. Even of loving your neighbor as yourself. For me the idea of what loving yourself really is and what loving yourself really is not. Somehow learning the difference between the two helps me to understand loving others in a manner I believe is healthy.

I find this to be the most intrinsic of all personal wisdom I have gained. Love myself - Love my neighbor. It doesn't seem so much a surprise in terms of thought or idea. It seems a surprise in terms of simplicity.

There is no other person alive who can love me as purely as I can love myself. Why? There is no other person who knows me to the depth in which I know myself. When you can love yourself, ALL of yourself to that depth, then you immediately shift to loving others with an unprecedented depth.

A friend once told me that she was amazed at the peace I seem to have. I told her, "I am always with me. I am my very best friend."

Isn't this what we want so desperately, to be known and appreciated? Do you know you? Do you appreciate you?

I began to consider my first moments of realizing my need for self care and self love as opposed to self deceit and self indulgence. I began to journey through my thoughts of the past 5 years, and the revelation of life I have come to know since discovering how to nurture my soul, and tenderly, generously, love me. I remember reading two years ago that the culmination of the work I was doing would lead me to a place of openness within my being which might translate into my entire existence. I recognize this is that openness and this is my existence.

This purity in love is what I want to share with others.

Love and Simplicity

For over three years now a biblical scripture, first spoken by Jesus, has taken up residence in the deepest part of my being and it is the one I refer to below. I enjoy the manner it is told in the letter from Paul to the people in Galatia, but three of the four Gospels proclaim it as well. Matthew 19:19, Matthew 22:39, Mark 12:31, Mark 12:33, Luke 10:27. It is also spoken in other letters written by the apostles. I grow to appreciate its value more by the fact that it is used so often within biblical text.

Galatians 5:14 New American Standard Bible (emphasis added)
For the whole law is fulfilled in one word, in the statement, "You shall love your neighbor as yourself."

Galatians 5:13-15 The Message (emphasis added)
It is absolutely clear that God has called you to a free life. Just make sure that you don't use this freedom as an excuse to do whatever you want to do and destroy your freedom. Rather, use your freedom to serve one another in love; that's how freedom grows. For everything we know about God's Word is summed up in a single sentence: Love others as you love yourself. That's an act of true freedom. If you bite and ravage each other, watch out—in no time at all you will be annihilating each other, and where will your precious freedom be then?

There is a force behind the love I can no longer resist. It beckons me to GO. Where is it leading me? Heaven only knows. I do know however it will seem simple. Still, I am scared.

Love

Nothing

Simplicity

Risk

References: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Galatians%205:14&version=MSG
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Galatians%205:14&version=NASB

Truth and its Particulars Part III

2010-01-19T13:01:00.013-05:00

A book I read called What difference do it make? by: Ron Hall, Denver Moore, and Lynn Vincent has solidified my ideals about taking the complication out of my own path toward love and it is what I long for within the community I reside. The book is a sequel to Same Kind of Different As Me. These books are about Denver who was an ex-prisoner that found himself homeless in Ft. Worth, TX and Ron's wife Deborah who decided she and Ron would work at a homeless shelter that Denver was utilizing at the time. Deborah, Denver, and Ron developed an unlikely bond and intimate friendship and the books chronicle their relationships. The life they have grown to know through loving without an agenda.

That is what I feel truth is telling my heart. Love without an agenda.

I have developed an endearing love for Denver. Denver has taught me a great deal with his stories and wisdom. He solidifies for me my yearnings of hope to help and to make a difference in my own community. Here is a provoking thought from Denver.

One day, I asked Mr. Ron, "Mr. Ron, all these white folks be invitin us to their Bible Studies. How come none of 'em's invitin us to their Bible doins?" He goes on to say, I ain't sayin it ain't all right to study the Bible. You got to study the Bible to know the rules of life. But I notice a lotta folks doin more lookin at the Bible than doin what is says.

There is an entire chapter that Denver dedicates to his thoughts about the matter. This chapter is an apple of gold to my soul. He continues to describe his thoughts while siting a conversation he has with a friend of his named Mr. Mike. "How we gon' really know God if we trying to get Him out of a man or woman? How we gon' know God for real lookin for Him in some kinda religion, in some kinda system? I don't mean know about God, Mr. Mike. I mean reallly, honest know who God is?"

After reading this it led me to recall these words of Jesus as stated in Matthew 25:34 - 40, NKJV

Then the King will say to those on His right hand, 'Come, you blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: for I was hungry and you gave Me food; I was thirsty and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in; I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you visited Me; I was in prison and you came to Me.'

"Then the righteous will answer Him, saying, 'Lord, when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and give You drink? When did we see You a stranger and take You in, or naked and clothe You? Or when did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?" And the King will answer and say to them, 'Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.'

This verse in its simplicity says to me, "Jennifer, I am in you and I am in everyone. Each one of value, each one to be treasured, each one to be loved, and each one to be given whatever can be given to meet the basic fundamental needs of humanity."

Somehow within the context of meeting these needs I feel God might be found.

I have learned that I must take myself there, wherever that might be, and integrate myself.

I am scared.

~THIS IS NOT A BOOK REVIEW~

Truth and its Particulars Part II

2010-01-13T09:16:00.007-05:00

The story of Young Goodman Brown by: Nathaniel Hawthorne that I referred to in Truth and its Particulars Part I is a story of an encounter. The encounter might be interpreted in many ways when reading it due to its manner, description, and detail. For me however the story describes an encounter of reality.

The reality for me is that all people struggle with a choice to follow a dark and devilish side of life or a side of life that is filled with light and love. It is what we do with this encounter that sets our journey toward joy and elation or deprivation of the soul.

Goodman Brown had faith in the people who led him in the ways of faith. He felt centered and secure within the ranks of the townspeople and leaders. Upon realizing that they had taken a darker turn within their own lives, his faith was shaken. This shaking of his faith was to the point of no return and his heart so utterly damaged never went back to light. It seemed the most dis-heartening of all for Goodman Brown was his wife's turn to darkness. His wife's name was Faith.

Goodman Brown never, from that point was able to recover his own sense of goodness and love. The story says he died a death of gloom. It reads like this, "they carved no hopeful verse upon his tombstone, for his dying hour was gloom".

I thought long and hard about Young Goodman Brown. I thought about the richly textured story and the manner in which it was told. A manner of telling that translates to me a thick, dark feeling within one's spirit that was full of loathsome living.

Then, I began to think about my life. I had only stated to myself the very night before reading this, "And these people are suppose to be Christians." I recognized something. I am deferring my own faith to the lives and actions of others.

And just like that, TRUTH is in my face.

I have kept myself at a distance from church. It has seemed to me there is an absence of faith within it and lots of unnecessary agendas within the assembling of believers. So, to keep myself set a part from the erroneous manner in which I perceive the church is being run I've kept myself a part from the people involved in running it. There was a time when I needed to seclude myself. I needed to grow in my understanding from a fundamental level, but I see that time has passed.

For the sake of understanding here are a few of my concerns:

Institutionalized system - The church appears to be a business to me rather than a place of refuge for the weary.
Bible Study and Budgets - There are always new studies and budgeting formats that must be followed. Not a new way to help homeless people or cure the poverty status of so many in our towns and communities.
Outreach - If there is discussion of helping the lesser among us there are many bureaucratic hoops to jump through within the ranks of administration of a local church body.
Plans - One might have to follow a regimented plan just to be considered a helper within one of these programs.
Membership - A person most certainly must be a member of a particular church to share one's thoughts and therefore have validity.
Standards - Furthermore one must have much criteria of education and learning to then teach others the ways and manners of God.
Food - Within all of this there is always an enormous amount of food prepared an eaten, while someone right down the road is hungry and starving or might simply need a blanket, coat, or a hug, or a kiss.
Me - In essence, it all feels unnatural to me, complicated and systematic. It feels forced, with no flow. It seems to me unlike the Jesus I have come to know and his teachings I have come to adore.

I have other concerns, but these are the predominant few that hold me within their grip and take me into my own shadow of darkness. My emotions toward these concerns keep me at bay. Young Goodman Brown has now been a fuse for the torch in the tunnel of my soul. The light is illuminating the tunnel so that I can no longer hold myself at a stand still. I can no longer excuse myself.

I am simply to be as I am.
To be true to the truth I know I have come to see.

And still, I am afraid.

For my sake in having accountability - I want all of you to know I am having GREAT FUN each and every day and I will be posting about this once I am done with my current Truth and its Particulars!

Picture is outdoor fire at Clemmons State Park Field Trip

References: http://www.eastoftheweb.com/short-stories/UBooks/YouGoo.shtml
Young Goodman Brown by: Nathaniel Hawthorne

Truth and its Particulars Part I

2010-01-08T06:15:00.021-05:00

I am up before dawn, three hours before the sun begins to crack the darkness and radiate its light. The Son of my heart has cracked His light and penetrated a deep and looming darkness residing in me. The light, so brilliant, so powerful, so piercing, it has consumed me.

I am drawn into the light as if I have no control, it is pulling me.

A magnetic force, beckoning for us to be together.

This force is truth.

TRUTH

Truth is happening in me and for me. It has taken on a life of its own. How can this be? I have thought to myself, is it "a bit of bad beef" as Ebenezer Scrooge exclaims in a Christmas Carol or the fact that I downed three peanut butter and marshmallow crackers on top of the beef chili I consumed last night. This would of course make the most sense. No, it is a quickening of my spirit that leads me to deeper thought and release within my being.

A few days ago I was introduced to a short story by Nathaniel Hawthorne called: Young Goodman Brown. The fact that the story is fiction has relevance to me and is the beginning of this penetrable truth journey. I have not sought understanding of spiritual things within myself from fiction. I have typically read fiction for pleasure. Considering it of no value to my soul, just distraction for my mind. I realized I have had judgement toward it. There are other great writers I have missed out on because of my snobby, non-fiction only attitude. Because I knew they were great writers I would choose their real life stories to read from the shelf rather than a symbolic fictitious rant. Skimming over the titles and summaries, "Oh, fiction, nah.". Don't get me wrong I have enjoyed movies that have been created based on many a great writers fictitious stories. But actually read the story, who has time for that? I have serious business to attend to I need facts and reality.

I am utterly ashamed at my behavior.

And just like that, there is my first point of conversion in this internal escapade of truth swimming and encircling within me.

"How, dear one, do you write and have a nose of downward looking toward anyone who has labored to do so?", I asked myself. Naturally, I recognize I can appreciate the labor and not enjoy the writing of another, but respect and dislike are quite different than disdain and judgement.

Oh no, not more truth telling, I have even done this as a... I don't want to admit this, should I say this, oh my, I will say it and be done with it. Truth sets you free, right? I have done this as a blogger. "Oh, this is one of the fiction pieces their doing. Nope, no time for reading that.", that stinky old devil of my mind would say.

I am deeply appalled at myself for the disdain in my heart.
Disdain - to think unworthy of notice, response, etc.; consider beneath oneself.

The reality then sits on top of my heart like a crushing boulder. Jesus himself spoke in parables.
Parables - a short allegorical story designed to illustrate or teach some truth, religious principle, or moral lesson.

Contradiction picture #1 - Here I am painting a fictitious tree.

Then the truth in this matter really begins to explode. This is how judgement and the contradictory life we live begins to settle in for me.
Allegory - The representation of abstract ideas or principles by characters, figures, or events in narrative, dramatic, or pictorial form.
synonyms; parable, fable

Contradiction Picture #2 - A collaborative painting with my daughter of a fictitious winter scene

Have I not recently read a moral tale to my daughter woven around baking Christmas cookes?
Fable - a short tale to teach a moral lesson, often with animals or inanimate objects as characters.

Contradiction Picture #3 - A fictitious winter village scene residing upon my mantel.

And then, there is yet more light...

Cultural Dictionary
allegory [(al-uh-gawr-ee)]
A story that has a deeper or more general meaning in addition to its surface meaning. Allegories are composed of several symbols or metaphors. For example, in The Pilgrim's Progress, by John Bunyan, the character named Christian struggles to escape from a bog or swamp. The story of his difficulty is a symbol of the difficulty of leading a good life in the “bog” of this world. The “bog” is a metaphor or symbol of life's hardships and distractions. Similarly, when Christian loses a heavy pack that he has been carrying on his back, this symbolizes his freedom from the weight of sin that he has been carrying.

Do you know what I realized? My own trespass in this has been self deceit and illusion. I have not picked up the obvious fiction from the shelf for myself, but I read fiction to my child every single day. There in lying the essence of blinding one's self to truth and the contradictions we live out daily. The truth is some of my favorite art and illustration comes from children's literature. I suppose I felt my own soul has been above the content, as if growing up means growing out of fiction.

I think Jesus hinted about this too.

The Message
Mark: 13 - 16 (emphasis added): The people brought children to Jesus, hoping he might touch them. The disciples shooed them off. But Jesus was irate and let them know it: "Don't push these children away. Don't ever get between them and me. These children are at the very center of life in the kingdom. Mark this: Unless you accept God's kingdom in the simplicity of a child, you'll never get in." Then, gathering the children up in his arms, he laid his hands of blessing on them.

Thank God I got that pack off my back.

Here is another interesting part for me. While I was tussling around in the bed I began to think of a way to write symbolically, allegorically about a particular situation. I started to put the character and the message together. "Oh my goodness girl, you are really doing it now.", I said to myself. The very thing I have turned my nose down at, I am now considering making it MINE. Not only that, I began doing so immediately.

Then, gathering the children up in his arms, he laid his hands of blessing on them.

And then I remembered how grace and salvation of one's self are instantaneously liberating, without hesitation or reservation. It explodes itself within and delight cannot be contained.

My own ideas and judgment have been shutting me off and shutting me down to a larger abundance in truth.

I have a great deal more to share of what I've learned from Young Goodman Brown but for now I'll end with this particular.

Contradiction Picture #4 - The topiary I made entirely from ribbon and the fictitious holly berry surrounding the candle. How about the fictitious mitten to the left (the candy is real) and the fictitious candy cottage in the background. Oh, and I notice there is a fictitious snowman on the white and red polka dot box. You can't see him, but I know he's there.

References: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/allegory
   http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/parable
   http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/fable
   http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%2010&version=MSG

Unresisted Thoughts Post 9...Loyalty where loyalty is undeserved & Judgement.

2010-01-04T10:01:00.004-05:00

"If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you."

Winnie the Pooh

I was reminded of this common trait: loyalty where loyalty is undeserved, that runs through the behavior and lives of ACOA's and other abused children, when I read this today.

This type of undeserved loyalty is extremely harmful to the person giving it and the activity shadows dark and deep wounds. It is the kind of loyalty that you must give up to go on.

I of course am thinking a lot about the actions I have recently taken with my mother. There is a part of me that is so indignant toward her and how she has behaved and functioned in my life that I DO NOT under any circumstances want to give her so much time on the platform of my blog, but it is what is happening. It is a part of my ONE TRUE SELF.

I read another post yesterday and the comment thread was as interesting as the post. It was about holding ourselves back from expressing what is truly going on in our lives so we will not be judged. You can see that here.

These two things are what I am considering a lot this morning. Here are some of the questions that have come up for me today. Who do I need to be loyal to first and foremost? Do I deserve my own loyalty? Out of loyalty to myself, what breeds from it? Why do we judge the life of another? Do we know ALL of the facts and circumstances?

Was I loyal to my mother when loyalty was undeserved? YES
Have I had a tiny ounce of regret for posting personal circumstances about my parent on my blog? YES

I believe firmly in honoring ones family.

Is posting about the circumstance a way for me to release a form of undeserved loyalty. ABSOLUTELY.

I have a lot of FRIENDS who read my blog, people who live right here in my neighborhood, people I associate regularly with. Do I wonder how they will respond to my post? Not until yesterday. People make assumptions that they KNOW and they are afraid of decisions they don't understand. I know this because I have been in that position many times. The place where you simply do not understand. I have learned through my experience, it is best to love someone in their place and leave myself out of it.

I have to live out my life, my way. Writing and communicating are the way I exist fully and wholeheartedly and I write about the complexities of my life.

I also have thought about people being concerned I will write about them. Do any of you ever consider this?

There are lots and lots of things going on with lots and lots of people in my life. I am not going to use my blog as a place to do harm. I am not interested in writing about others and things that I cannot possibly understand. I also have a tremendous amount of respect for people and don't plan to shame anyone. Yes, I have wondered about shaming my parent. Yes, I do believe that I must use caution and respect.

Many a man proclaims his own loyalty, But who can find a trustworthy man?

Proverbs 20:6

New American Standard

There is a bigger cause going on here for me, I simply must do this.

I have, yes, been somewhat concerned that one day my mother will discover my blog and ERUPT. I say here what I cannot say otherwise.

I sincerely have a deep love and sense of compassion for humankind. It has been a tremendous burden to carry having a parent that does not recognize this. IT IS HARD.

So within all of this I am basically moving out of undeserved loyalty and caring less about the judgment of others.

I am who I am. I have grown into a depth of love for my life that I expect no other person to fully perceive. I love myself enough to use my avenues of release, response, renewal for my own personal well being. I will preserve myself in the process and march forward...ONE SWEET DAY AT A TIME.

This is a place, whomever decides to read, that you will not be judged and your loyalty should only come as I deserve to have it.

Blessings and love to all on this beautiful day in January! I am having lots of fun and saying a lot of truth for myself so far in 2010. I thank you for reading.

Matthew 7:1-5 The Message
"Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It's easy to see a smudge on your neighbor's face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, 'Let me wash your face for you,' when your own face is distorted by contempt? It's this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor.

Reference: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%207:2&version=MSG

Superior Scribbler Award

2010-01-02T10:15:00.001-05:00

So the rules of the award are that you're supposed to:

Thank whoever nominated you for it...
Post, paste, or patch the award's image onto your own blog...
Tell your readers seven things they don't yet know about you...
Pass it along to seven more bloggers...
And notify them personally when you have done so.

It is time to pass out my AWARDS. THANK YOU SUSAN! The Pollinatrix: THE WHOLE BLOOMING WORLD for this Superior Scribbler Award...coming from YOU it means A LOT. Especially since it is a "superior scribbler". WOW.

So, 7 things you don't know about me:

1. I am a SERIOUS 18th century American History lover. I ordered HBO to watch and DVR the John Adams mini series last year. I cancelled the subscription immediately after watching the last episode in the series.

2. I record History Detectives from PBS to watch while I rebound on a mini trampoline...it's sick I know!

3. I have used the principles of Feng Shui to decorate my home and rarely have anything on my kitchen counters except at Christmas. My house is then transformed using every imaginable Christmas plaid and holiday doo dad that one could possibly conceive. We call it "blown up in some Christmas". I LOVE EVERY MINUTE OF IT. I am so crazy over my Christmas plaid I have two sets of Christmas plaid PJ's and a fancy smancy Christmas plaid jacket I wear to the Nutcracker Ballet. It is a LOVE never to be destroyed, myself and this plaid thing. My sister is a sick plaid junkie too and this year we got matching black/white plaid blankets for Christmas.

4. I love music, and I have been singing since I was 5. I was first taught the principle of harmony via Bluegrass Music and it remains to date my 1st Love. My favorite bluegrass instruments are the Mandolin and Dobro. I hope one day to learn how to play the Mandolin. I adore Alison Kraus...her voice is pure and haunting and I am mesmerized by her talent.

5. I have an odd desire to squeak out EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY bit of mileage possible from a set of tires. I have owned my vehicle for almost 10 years and have had 2 sets of tires. The first set had 100,000 mile guarantee (Michelin's). I carried them for over 100,000 miles and when my husband insisted I get NEW tires I actually got SAD. I then bought a set with 60,000 mile guarantee. Again, I topped out over the guarantee and once again, attached to my tires, my husband insisted I let them go. I am on my 3rd set and expecting a LONG HAUL!!! I believe keeping your tires in good working condition has a lot to do with breaking early when you see the light turning yellow. ; )

6. My most favorite meal to eat and to cook is Shrimp & Grits low country style.

7. I have extremely bad depth perception and freak out in the car when I'm not driving.

Okay...now to the really important and exciting part passing out this AWARD!

Any Way I Have To by: "U". This blog provokes me on many levels. I have read some of the most beautiful poems on this blog. The words stream together in such a simple and profound manner that I have been quickly moved to tears. "U" also taps into relative social issues that I appreciate. He is also adventurous and wise. He encourages all of us to seek wisdom and adventure for ourselves. I feel a comfort no matter the difficulty in the subject matter as I read the post and I am excited when I see new content to delve into. When "U" speaks, I listen.

The Whole Blooming World: The Pollinatitrix. This is a WONDERFUL blog. It is intriguing and the writing is balanced by a talent rare and superb. This blog also has some of the most beautiful poetry I have read. Sometimes the poetry written by the blog author, sometimes written by someone else, but always...always appropriately blended into the scheme of the subject, the context of the situation or the aura within life at the moment. There have been post that I have read for many days over and over...I am provoked to think deeply by the writing done here. It is a pleasure to read this work. This blog also has a unique and eclectic following that is exciting to participate in.

My Sacred Insanity: Midnitefirefly. This blog gets me in my gut. The examination the author does of herself and the manner in which she shares her life is drenching with a raw and sensitive drizzling of hope. It is a life lived under some of the most difficult circumstances and the initiative and strength to persevere and overcome is CHARGED with resolve. This blog gives me HOPE. When I read and perceive the actual events of this person and see how she has worked so diligently to live her life with a moral compass unmatched by many, I realize this is POWER. There is a substantial gift to many recovering addicts in this blog and I am thankful she is writing.

Weaving A Life: Susan - This blog consistently delivers for me an ARTISAN'S creation. Susan's talents are honestly beyond words. Her creativity oozes everywhere on this blog. I love reading her day to day life and I find it refreshing and hopeful. The simplicity of her writing and the complexity of her life content make the experience of reading her work like a refreshing rain upon my face while the sun burst through the clouds and I feel its warmth on my cheeks all at the same time.

Mud Maps: Amanda - The pictures of Cisco, Amanda's horse make me CRY. I love Cisco with an affection that you can only obtain through the experience Amanda gives of her affection of him. You can see the love between owner and horse on this blog and in this writing. It is simple and sweet. Australia calls to me via this blog and I know I am missing out until I see it with my own two eyes. Amanda's determination and easy going life has compelled me to seek my own adventure and get out of my comfort zone. It is because of Amanda I took the pics of the Woody & Tear Drop Camper...thank you Amanda ; )

Pearl, Why You Little...: Pearl - Bottom line, this blog makes me laugh from my gut. It is funny...really really funny and I LOVE IT. The stories and the writing are so GOOD that I know Pearl is really a fantastic comedy screen writer making a gazillion dollars and she just humors us to believe that she is anything less. The writing flows so dang well I wonder, how does this woman put out such good stuff, consistently ALL THE TIME. I always laugh, always!

I'm just F.I.N.E - Recovery In Al - Anon: Syd - This blog for me is extremely personal and relative. One of the fundamental pieces of my personal journey has been going into a process of overcoming the pain and struggles of being and Adult Child of Alcoholics or ACOA in recovery lingo. Al Anon has been for me a tremendous resource. The consistency Syd has on his blog for the FOUNDATIONAL principles of this anonymous group is AMAZING and my respect for his writing, his work, his life and the commitment he has to the program is tremendous. This is a safe blog and for me a person who came from such destruction there is no better or bigger gift than SAFETY. THANK YOU SYD.

So, there you have it! I LOVE YOU ALL!

Arriving in 2010

2010-01-01T15:39:00.066-05:00

With all the holiday hooplah I had no erroneous expectations of arriving into 2010. It turned out to be a really fun evening and dinging in the New Year with an impromptu bubbly that I conjured up was just the ticket.

I am not one that makes "resolutions". I have found that in the past I haven't been good at maintaining consistency in prior "resolutions". I was also younger and flippant and less aware of my real needs. Approaching the end of the year in 2009 (feels funny writing that) some ideas have come to my attention and instead of calling it a "resolution", I have decided to commit to a consistency of self in two areas of my life and see if I can work on these for 365 straight days.

TRUTH
FUN

I have decided to SPEAK TRUTH and not hide what I see or feel.
I have decided that everyday for 365 straight days I will attempt with a firm commitment to have FUN!

My friend "U" from Anyway I have to had one of the best new year post I have read titled: Standing on the Cusp. It really encouraged me to remember to refresh my thoughts about opportunity, sometimes given, sometimes taken, sometimes CREATED. I decided to create for myself an opportunity to grow in these areas and YES, I decided to begin today.

So far, so good! I spoke of my truth this morning to my husband, I let him know some things I needed to share and some unpleasant feelings I have had. I feel good and better since doing it. The topic of conversation was not about "our" normal things as husband and wife that we are working through, it is about things that involve other people that I know we must address. Our day has not been any less wonderful by sharing these thoughts and possible ideas for how to overcome situations, it has made it better. In fact, I see that when we go at our life with a healthy way of communicating and release things that we bind up on the inside it can create a refreshment. It can in fact INVIGORATE you. Release...it is a quandary. We think we are saving others from pain by not sharing a truth we might see, but in fact the truth we see might be what releases everyone from pain, hurt or hard moments. For me, in all the work I've done it is learning what is really TRUTH within a particular situation and not just emotions or feelings. Don't get me wrong...I don't hold EVERYTHING inside and for a long time now I have worked on dealing with situations with my "safe people", but for some reason, now, I feel drawn to saying what I see and feel in circumstances that might not be so comfortable. This is taking a particular different type of courage and security in my judgement and my life overall. It is honing in on discernment and skills that I have worked hard to grow over the past 5 years.

The key to this Truth Telling is keeping COMPASSION at the forefront of my heart, my head and my life.

I believe and recognize that the eruption began when my mother was here, but I have received indications of the necessity of this for over 6 months now. I KNOW that I KNOW it is time.

In a way, it is sorting through the garbage to really see what might be a resource rather than trash. Resource of wisdom that is. Here's a post titled: Of Messes, Masses and Ships posted by The Pollinatrix from The Whole Blooming World about this subject that has also inspired me to consider the aspects of recycling within myself and taking the old and melding it with the new things I have learned and creating something more...something stronger...something healthier...something...creating...something.

As for FUN: I have already had fun sharing pictures with friends and playing Connect Four today. Part of my "fun" commitment is to do something fun for me and fun for my daughter EACH AND EVERY DAY. When you grow up in the serious business of alcoholism you don't LEARN how to have fun. You are not playful and you are not behaving as a child normally behaves. I have decided to reach deep into myself and explode with FUN this year. I have decided to be more child like in my view of life and the world around me.

I am interested in seeing how these two aspects: TRUTH and FUN correlate and intertwine for me. I am looking forward to watching how this commitment grows and blooms.

What I am hoping is that this becomes a lifestyle

not just something I commit to do in 2010.

It has been a wonderful day so far. I am enjoying having my husband home, my sister here and my daughter flipping and cartwheeling all over the place. It feels so good to just BE in this place and to smile and to laugh and to feel happy!

BLESSINGS AND JOY to all of you for a Happy New Year!

BE HERE

2009-12-17T09:45:00.002-05:00

Whatever has been

has been

Whatever will be

will be

I am not there

has been

will be

I am here

right now

You are here

right now

We - just be.

All I need

2009-12-15T16:08:00.001-05:00

In the scope of the day

from waking until slumber

I have had all I need.

Inside Instead

2009-12-09T17:56:00.000-05:00

There once was a girl, a lonely girl.

She wondered what could be.

She'd sit outside and look and look

without a friend to see.

One day while in this lonely spell she

looked inside instead.

She found the friend had always

been and what could be was dead.

Into Your Heart

2009-12-08T15:37:00.000-05:00

My Dear Sweet Child:

We have spent an hour sitting together over lunch. You are 7 and I am 38. You did most of the talking. I intervened in quiet intervals, hopefully bringing calm and assurance to you.

You began the conversation with discouragement about sharks biting people and hurting them. You explained that it made you angry with sharks and that somehow it made you feel as though you wanted to kill sharks. I explained that killing sharks at your own hand does not prevent them from becoming hungry and their brain is not like our brain, they do not understand their actions and we must be aware. Because you live so much of your life at and in the ocean, this is a deep concern for you.

I interjected with the process of life. Still, you are decidedly concerned about dolphins and penguins being harmed by sharks as well as the potential for harm against human beings. We discussed that we are responsible to the animals of the sea and that our main concerns should be keeping them safe from the activities of humans that can be harmful to their life.

You then moved into your personal ideas about animals of the sea and the desire to save them when their life might be shortened for unnecessary reasons. You said this to me, "I want to save animals. I want to help them live their full life. I want to give them a chance. I want to be in a boat, find them and help them." You my daughter, are 7.

After many tears over the dilemma of unnecessary loss of life you asked if we could pray. You prayed as I held you.

You ended the hour long conversation/prayer/oration with this; you lifted your eyes toward the sky and you said, "This is for God. God, I want the earth to be healthy and clean. I will save animals. Momma, this is all I have to say about this for now."

I vowed to you during this moment of intense insight into your heart that your Father and I will help you in anyway we can to reach your dreams to help save animals.

You are only 7. My heart is overwhelmed at the intensity you feel and see things. It gives me great respect for the human capacity to know and understand at any age for any reason what one might desire for their life and to do within their existence. I recognize that you are a gift for me to nurture and love and that I do not possess you, I only keep you in my care for a short while then off...you will go.

Your love for animals has been apparent to us for as long as you have been able to interact with them. I believe with all of my heart as I watch you seek information and you are almost always drawn to learning about animals and mainly animals of the sea that this dream might very well be your reality one day.

I will always be your advocate and supporter. I love you my dear child and I appreciate the gift of being your Mother.

Where To Go From Here

2009-12-07T10:39:00.004-05:00

I've been considering "direction" concerning my blog. I've been busy and haven't had a lot of time to work on posts and edits as I did in September and October. I miss it, but in the break I've been contemplating the direction my blog is headed in. No, I've been pondering if there is a direction at all.

I don't even have time to figure out how to make the picture I post show up in the reading list...this TRULY annoys me, but I'm just lucky enough right now to get something posted in hopes that it has some symblance of making sense. I don't have time to work on construction and visual parts of the blog right now. I WANT TO, but I simply do not have the time.

I have several posts in draft that I truly want time to work on, but my life outside of writing is taking immediate precedence over streaming thoughts together to share. I also believe that I am dealing with CONFIDENCE. I take too much time to write and edit and need to begin to let it flow and then let it go.

Anyway, back to direction. When I first started blogging I had thought I might write about home schooling. I converted that blog into One True Self and I haven't written much about our meager homeschooling life in a long time. I want to write more specifically about my journey through life which includes but certainly is NOT limited to educating our child. Right now, it seems formulating all of this is not going well for me.

After watching Little Women with my daughter last night, I was reminded...WRITE FROM YOUR HEART. What is in my heart I believe might be rejected...why does this matter? I know it should not.

I read many intelligent and thought provoking blogs. I have wondered if maybe I need to take more time to study writing before I write more. I have found that I have become slightly intimidated by the knowledge I do not possess.

I have realized this. I want my blog to be something that gives people who read it a FRESH BREATH. Sometimes the topic I am writing about is heavy so I don't know that people would always "feel" a fresh breath. Sometimes I am not altogether "fresh breath" within myself...this is a dilemma because I always want to be my TRUE SELF! I want to put out what I have within, plain and simple. I believe my personal energy and my staple in life is HOPE, so no matter the conflict people will read going on within me hope will be there. Hope is an underlying current within my soul I should have faith that the words I put down will have that current within them as well.

"They say"...whoever they are...that your blog needs a focus and clear audience.

I have also realized this, I don't care about being a MEGA blog, or having lots and lots of followers. If I do have more than 23 followers one day that will be FANTASTIC too, but I don't want that to be why I blog. I'm not here to sell anything, I am here to WRITE. I have also discovered I am here to READ and to build relationships with others through reading, writing and responding one to the other. That is one of my favorite parts of blogging. I have and will continue to learn a great deal through this experience of sharing. I want that to be my focus, as Louise Hay says, "What did I come here to learn? What did I come here to teach?"

My father in law, who is a professional photographer, and has been for 25+ years told me to stay true to myself in my writing. He understands the "sell out" conundrum. He told me, "Don't write for others, write for yourself".

So here are the threads I'm seeing for myself: WRITE FROM YOUR HEART. WRITE FOR YOURSELF. Confidence. Hope as an underlying current. Let it flow and let it go!

I do this in my private journals...I'm thinking of translating that part of my life into this blog wholly and completely. I wonder what I might do. I wonder what might happen.

To tell you the truth...I AM EXHILARATED with contemplating the possibilities.

I would love to hear your thoughts about writing and blogging.

I sit.

2009-11-30T21:26:00.004-05:00

I sit.

I type.

I delete.

I think.

I wonder.

I hope.

I cry.

I need.

I want.

I hurt.

I pray.

I love.

I forgive.

I stand.

I pace.

I stop.

I sit.

I read.

I write.

I hear.

I speak.

I breathe.

I rest.

I cook.

I clean.

I talk.

I listen.

I drive.

I eat.

I watch.

I ponder.

I see.

I sit.

From Me to You Award

2009-11-21T18:32:00.011-05:00

Shawna the author of: My Sacred Insanity , recently gave me an award. The rules involve me passing this on to seven other people and telling you seven things about myself you don't know.

I feel like an utter heel because I believe I might be breaking the blogging rules of engagement, but, because our home has fallen prey to a virus this week and my time blogging is very limited, I'm going to bypass the rules of the reward and simply give myself the room to accept this and ask any of you who read One True Self to copy the picture url and follow the rules to pass this on to anyone you feel might be encouraged by it and if you have the time to share 7 things we might not know about you.

Thank you again to Shawna...I only hope to inspire others as you are doing daily.

Here are the rules if you'd like to share this with someone:

1. Thank whoever gave this to you
2. Copy award
3. Post it in your blog
4. Tell us 7 things that your readers don’t know
5. Link 7 new bloggers
6. Notify winners of the award with a comment on their blog
7. Keep being awesome!

Unresisted Thoughts Post 8...WOMAN

2009-11-17T12:11:00.011-05:00

Just last week I told a friend that I am seeking a higher strength and fortitude within this life to help me with being a WOMAN and a MOTHER. I did not know the stress and strain of raising a child and the mental and physical anguish that can sometimes go with this beautiful gift.

Many times when I look to spiritual guidance I see a MAN that although might know a power of spiritual things is still a MAN and I need to know the power of spiritual things as a WOMAN and not just that, a MOTHER as well. It doesn't mean that I cannot turn toward these spiritual teachers, but the difference now is how I approach the guidance and the framework of my being a WOMAN.

I am sincerely seeking the way for me to have a strength and peace so that I don't lose the joy in this life. There are 3 things that come up for me.

1. Stop resisting what is.

2. Surrender

3. Prayer/Quiet Meditation

We've been told in various different ways to begin looking for what we desire and we will find it. I am looking...I am seeking for the peace that my understanding cannot comprehend within my life as a Mother and Wife and Daughter and Sister and Friend and Neighbor.

After reading this post just this morning about a friend struggling with depression, past regret and the demands of life, I responded with these words. This is Woman to Woman, Mother to Mother, Human to Human.

"When I feel the heaviness of everything around me I know a time spent in quiet meditation w/my own "tools" brings me to a place of knowing. I cannot imagine any mother not wanting to "check out". The strain of motherhood is not easy. I always say this to my family..."I need to Come A Part so that I don't come apart."

I struggle with past regret...I remember after short periods of entertaining the thoughts or long periods of entertaining the thoughts that they are in fact now thoughts of my past and what I have NOW IS NOW. I know that we might live with consequence of those choices and those are sometimes the things that lead us into the thoughts themselves, but it simply doesn't have to. Our mind is our OWN, it is your tool and can be commanded by your being/spirit it is subject to only what you choose and just like you I struggle, but bringing my mind into a place to be still and reading GOOD things that remind me of who I really AM help me.

Give yourself something gentle and soft today, be kind to yourself, give yourself reasonable expectations. You are a being inside of a limited human body. Let your children see YOU nurture YOU."

I'm not one to go around and share my comments on others post within my own post. I just don't ordinarily think about something like that, but today as I seek a higher power and a higher strength to fortify my soul in the AWESOME task of mothering among so many other things we do as women I just felt this is something to SHARE with you today.

I went back and read the post and the comment before leaving the blog and I realized something...on another day that WOMAN writing about her pain in that post is ME. WE ARE THE SAME on so many levels. We are WOMEN.

Let's BAND TOGETHER and SUPPORT one another. Woman to Woman. Friend to Friend. Mother to Mother. Sister to Sister. Mother to Daughter. Daughter to Mother. Aunt to Niece. Niece to Aunt. Neighbor to Neighbor.

Let's not let the past stop us from giving today nor from reaching our potential in this life.

My sincerest hope for all of the women I know and will know and have known and will never know:

BE FREE IN YOUR LOVE TODAY!!!!!!!!

Here are some things I am considering in my spirit as it relates to women in my life:

Find the common ground between you.
Love one another without an agenda.
Don't judge.
Don't push away.
Don't pull away.
Don't stay away.
Don't exclude...INCLUDE one another.

There is a compassion, nurture and sincere charity that comes from the HEART of WOMAN.

I pledge to you and I ask of you to be with me in this.

Give your love away today without judgement and care of how you will benefit, give it away to simply just do so...GIVE IT AWAY!

John 13:34-35; New Living Translation (emphasis added)

³⁴ So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. ³⁵ Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.”

Reference - http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%2013:34%20-%2035&version=NLT

My First Christmas Card of the Season!

2009-11-16T15:29:00.004-05:00

I received my first Christmas card of the season.

The past few years I've resisted Christmas. I have struggled with the holiday season. I know this struggle for me has been due to many factors, but it is mainly because I do not have the family tradition of my childhood present in my life.

It is easy for people to say, "Create your own, new traditions." These people usually do not know the pain of an adult that has had almost all of the foundational pieces of their life, slowly stripped away.

The worst Christmas I ever had was the one and only time I spent Christmas Eve alone. Have you ever had this experience?

If I would have had the growth in my life then that I have now, spending holiday time alone would be hard, but I would still have meaningful moments with myself.

Then, I was in complete and total despair. It was drudgery. The next Christmas I would be pregnant with the child that made this card you see now. Never, I believe, to spend a Christmas alone again.

I expressed my resistance of the holiday season to a friend recently. She told me to consider my own memories and the memories that are now being made for my daughter.

My child loves Christmas, just as I did as a child, and several years into adulthood. This year something has shifted for me. I am EXCITED about the fun we are having. She is impressive in her thoughts as we discuss what she might ask Santa for.

Today I told her that she should make her choices soon so that Santa could be ready for Christmas Eve. She said, "Momma, I am not going to ask for anything else. (she has asked for a piano keyboard, guitar and something Polly Pocket) Do you remember that year when I was really little and I didn't ask for anything, Santa surprised me. I want him to surprise me just like that. I know he will bring me something UNIQUE, like my very own tea pot. That's how Santa is Momma".

Do you know how dear this is to me? Can you imagine the joy I feel within my heart to experience such a pleasurable conversation with my child of the young but already wise age of 7.

Joyful Moments!

PS. Polli & Susan; I left this up to the ARTISAN within me and did NO sentence fragment checks. Only editing for fluidity. I did do a spell check...just cannot help thyself.

PSS. My little one also told me, for those of you who might be wondering; that we are already experiencing heaven because God is in heaven and God is in US!!!

Blogging

2009-11-13T20:09:00.002-05:00

I have not had a lot of time the past few weeks to write. I took most of last week to read blogs. I have taken a step back and observed. I have observed a great deal. I was forced to READ, I was not able to write due to an old back injury that put me "flat" on my back.

In my observation last week I saw the mingling among us and I was amazed at the beauty of how our writing expands to something MORE.

Blogging is much MORE than I considered or understood when I began to contemplate doing it and then taking the plunge. It is a BRAVE place for me. I just did it and I am growing as it is going.

This week I have made a choice to hold back from writing for several reasons. All of the current pieces and projects I am working on take a great deal more thought, research and consideration on my part. It seems nothing I'm working on is off the cuff for me. This reason leads to the most significant reason of all; TIME. Our life is absorbed with "doing" right now. November is a big birthday month for our family. What is that about anyway, November and all of its births? There was a party last night and a party this weekend. Then, it is on with holiday planning. Is it really time to decide what I'll bring for the family Thanksgiving Day dinner? Really, is it that time of year?

I am wondering...am I really meant to write? Would a real writer be able to juggle all the aspects of life and still WRITE? The soul piece of me immediately checks this and knows the truth. I don't linger in this thought very long.

I am in a place of learning right now. I am writing a lot in my journals. Going back to this place where most of my writing is between ME and ME is so sacred and special. There is a certain peace in it. I am going through deep dips of internal searching and discovery. I am recognizing the piece of me that is inclined to resist. I have discovered that I WANT more COURAGE. I want to be a BRAVE woman.

Many of you that I read about are VERY BRAVE. When I look at the list of "Blogs I Follow" I see VERY BRAVE people. I am growing in my own existence because of you. I am READING, just not writing. I love this aspect of my presence here. I love that I don't always have to present something. I am appreciating all of you SO MUCH and I am appreciating the effort I make myself when I am presenting my work and giving a piece of myself away to you.

My final reason; I also have needed to take a break and not THINK so much. Sometimes the influx of thought gets my mind spinning and I have to circle back and stand still.

Writing this is so pleasurable for me right now. Reading the writing, changing sentences, changing the structure of the paragraph, choosing words and then the content is so easy to work with. I am enjoying this place, flat places, not high or low places, just flat. I am enjoying standing somewhat still in my activity while inside I am GROWING.

I love this tool, this place and this way of working. Time once again is constrained. I have to leave this post.

Flat

2009-11-09T17:43:00.000-05:00

I've wondered about this feeling; FLAT .
I have felt FLAT lately
and then down, down, down.
Not up, up, up,
not yet.

Flat feelings
Flat life
Flat moments
Flat on my back
FLAT.

Flat reminds me of numb.
I am not numb.

I remember numb.
Numb doesn't feel anything.
I feel.
I feel FLAT.

It feels careless to feel flat.
It feels unlike a mother to feel flat.
It feels unlike a wife to feel flat.
It feels unlike ME to feel flat.

What is the ME in this then?
Why is the ME saying it is unlike ME to feel flat?
ISN'T THIS ME FEELING FLAT?

I am not numb.
I feel.
I feel flat.

I feel as though they do not notice I feel flat.
It feels odd to feel flat among them.
No matter what it feels like around the flat feeling, I feel it.
I feel flat.

I am not numb.
I feel.
I feel flat.

Am I GREAT, or What?... a 7 year old's perception.

2009-11-03T07:01:00.002-05:00

My daughter recently learned about mulch and its ability to help plants to flourish in her study of plants in science. I was so impressed with her articulation of this concept I had her call her Dad to tell him her new discovery.

"Am I great, or what?" she said to her Father.

All children should have this uninhibited sense about themselves and all that they are growing into. I am thankful she is so FULL and happy with her existence.

Could you imagine calling up a person dear to you and saying, "Am I great or what?" I wish this unresisted and uninhibited manner for me, for you, for everyone. There is something beautiful happening when you don't second guess your worth toward yourself or the world around.

GREAT WORK: Last Post for Being Real 10/5/09! Yeehaw.

2009-11-02T06:49:00.000-05:00

I once again moved to the sofa, but I recognized that as I laid down the openness of the living room just felt better to me. I also recognized that I wanted space to rest and just be alone.

I immediately fell asleep and my rest was good. Waking up without an alarm near 6:00 AM, refreshed and focused. I wrote my morning papers and moved right into Yoga, Meditation and Prayer.

Last night I felt so good that I was able to study, research and write an article that I have wanted to put together for some time. Although to tired to edit and rework it, the thoughts are there and I am proud to have put it together especially on the heels of the place.

The weather does not appear to be conducive to a run today, so I will do cardio indoors.

I have already started a new word study and research this morning. It has derived from the circumstances surrounding my recent place. I am thankful. I know that what I will find will give me a more sure footing in my journey.

I am light today in spirit and thought. I do not feel a heaviness. I am anticipating a beautiful day, right now this moment is FULL inside of me and I am ALIVE.

I find it ironic, and yet I don't that I had recently done a significant amount of work on RESISTANCE, and that in my studies it led me to SOFT. This has been interesting and preparation no less for what I was about to face. Now I have the experience of working through such an intense time without resisting it and being soft and centered.

WOW.

I did not resist the circumstances. The situation lasted longer than I hoped, but now today...compared to the past I know this was GREAT WORK.

This will be the last post that I tie to Being Real 10/5/09. We are now on the other side of it...

10/7/09 8:20 AM - to understand this post, click here:Being Real 10/5/09

Update: I was able to run today, and it was a GREAT RUN! The weather turned out to be gorgeous, so appropriate to me that at the start of the day it seemed no hope for sunshine and late morning the sky was a bright blue with a gleaming sun. After my run a special treat: A yellow butterfly zoomed right by me. It fluttered around, almost glowing. It was surreal. 5:17 PM 10/7/09

I am surprised I am writing...being real 10/5/09 continued.

2009-11-02T06:48:00.000-05:00

I am truly surprised that I am writing. My fingers feel very stiff and I am making many errors while typing, but still able to put the words on the page. Again, this is progress. It is proof for me of many things.

I slept well from 1:45 AM until 7 something AM. I moved from the bed to the sofa. This is an indication to me and to my husband that I am unsettled within.

I feel stronger. There is a slight pounding this morning and a tinge of insecurity, but we have a light day and I am listening to the signals and responding with tender care toward myself.

Hot Tea, Feet soaking in a Warm Bath, Quiet surroundings.

A singing bird woke me this morning. It was a sharp sound, but beautiful trills over and over. I knew that progress was being made because it did not sound harsh, but sweet.

I am ready to get back to my "real work". I am insecure about where this is headed and do not appreciate the timing, but as soon as I write those words I hear myself saying...STOP RESISTING.

Post 8 10/6/09 9:32 AM - to understand this post start here: Being Real 10/5/09

My husband said I should run...being real 10/5/09 continued.

2009-11-02T06:42:00.001-05:00

My husband suggested that I run. My chest is so tight now, and my body is so weak I am choosing to stay in and hope that I will have the energy to run tomorrow. I am frustrated that this place has taken my energy.

What am I thankful for? I am thankful that although the day has been an effort to work through it has brought me into absolute exhaustion, still, I woke up and had this day. I have my beautiful family. I have myself. I have God.

I am WELL.

Post 6 10/5/09 - night - to understand this post start here: Being Real 10/5/09

The Anxiety is Still there...it is going on 10:00 PM. Being Real 10/5/09 continued.

2009-11-02T06:41:00.003-05:00

The anxiety is still rushing around in my body. It is still the pounding in my chest. I can feel it in my head.

The difficult parts of this are the insecurities that rush in. I become Overly Sensitive. Nobody in my life except for my husband knows this is happening when it is happening. I am able to exercise my tools while I am in this state. Previously in insecure times I would take great steps to insure that I was in good standing and accepted among those who might currently reside with meaning in my life.

I DO NOT do this anymore.

When I am in this state I am emphatically drawn to insecurity and the smallest and most menial things trip me. Fortunately I have no energy to make certain of my reputation among those I now circulate with. I simply have to live with the insecurity dodging in and out of my mind and body. I know it stems from the weakness that the anxiety has caused.

The insecurity will try and take root. That root would ordinarily cause me to isolate. I cannot know today if I will succumb to this. I have no idea how this will turn out. I am hoping to see the progress in the latter extensions of this time that I have seen during this place. Only tomorrow will know of its happenings, I can only be where I am today, right now. So far...I am OK.

There was just now another sudden rush and pounding. For someone unfamiliar with this type of anxiety they might rush themselves to the emergency room. It truly could be that frightening. It is an exhausting displacement of what has occurred inside of my soul. It is the quake. I no longer deny the truth...the truth is excruciatingly painful...once remembered I am shattered...then there is the quaking, the trembling from what has exploded open within me. It is an eruption. There is a burst of all sorts of events, moments and wanderings. Glimpses, recollection and pieces coming together. It is becoming clearer as I work through it and I can feel myself becoming SO MUCH STRONGER emotionally even as my body is weakening with every tremble.

I do not loathe...I do not want or ask for pity...I do not expect ANYONE to be here for me...I do not anticipate that anyone could ever understand.

I grow to love myself so very much by being with myself while leaning so heavily on God through this time.

Post 7 - 10/5/09 later in the night - to understand this post start here: Being Real 10/5/09

There is no depth to the conversation. Being Real 10/5/09 continued.

2009-11-02T06:26:00.001-05:00

Being Real: continued work from 10/5/09

This time is different because I am writing online, along with my journal. This somehow is okay with me although I'm not sure why.

The "M" is fine, happy, dandy, skipping, flipping, dancing, doodling, talking and talking and talking. How thankful I am that she is so FREE.

They are not encumbered by this. We have gained our footing now. He recognizes I will be limited as to what I can accomplish. He gives me the freedom I need to work it out. I am proud of what I can do; order the Chinese food and fix our plates, rather than focusing on what I can't do; fix homemade Jambalaya.

I am not confined to the bed. I am able to move. My legs feel as though they are buckling, but I am not giving in or giving up. I am still having conversation. There is no depth to our words only small talk. It is light and unforced conversation...this is new. I am not depressed...only the physical response to the anxiety.

"Did you enjoy painting your pumpkin? Have you put it on the porch?" I am so glad I can remain WITH them while coping with this force I cannot fully ascertain.

There is not a soul in our world who could understand what an accomplishment this is for me that to be in this place, and yet, able to cope at a level of consciousness is no less than AMAZING.

Our refrigerator reflects the condition I am in. It is full of fast food. Mexican, Pizza, Zaxby's, Chinese Take Out.

Considering the state I could be in and in reality the state I am somewhat in...we are all fairing well.

Post 3 10/5/09 evening - to understand this post start here: Being Real 10/5/09